The Right to: Disagree.

We can’t all agree on everything otherwise what would be the point of having opinions? What kind of a life would it be if we all just nodded in agreement with each other even when we believed differently. I know people who do this – conflict haters. Shamefully, I have acted this way before as some situations deem it, especially when confronted by an aggressor; nodding along can save hours of torment. However, in the actual world, away from abuse and when dealing with people of trust or friendship, you hope that your opinion is taken and respected whether others agree with it or not.

Recently, a “friend” on Facebook un-friended me. I use the term “friend” pretty loosely here. We were friends once, maybe not close friends but good friends. She was a good enough friend to be invited to my wedding and clearly I was a good enough friend for her to accept and attend it.

(Although after my recent discoveries that many a so-called ‘friend’ only really showed up for free food and a party, I can pretty much put her into that bracket).

I had noticed she un-friended me the week before but thinking, perhaps hoping, it had been a mistake, I re-requested her back. She accepted which led me to believe albeit naively that the prior case was true. That was until a week later I was “dumped” again. She hasn’t had a request from me since and she won’t.

There are several reasons I believe she has done this.

Six weeks ago and as something I often do, I asked some mummy friends on Facebook for some advice about my daughter’s sleeping patterns. We discovered that she was going through something called “Sleep Regression” where at a certain point in their first year, when baby is learning to sit up and crawl, they will find it hard to switch off their brains at night therefore will spend many hours waking up on all fours VERY upset and frustrated. It’s frustrating and incredibly upsetting for the parents too. No one wants to witness their little one so distressed and unable to do the one thing that brings them so much peace. We all need our sleep but especially babies. It is crucial for not only their physical development but their mental strength too.

Having witnessed my daughter waking every hour on all fours three consecutive nights and rife with worry, I asked my mummy friends for their take on what was happening. Many responded with past and current stories, sympathies and support. A few contrasting comments were made and many we could not all agree on. Much advice was offered too and I was extremely thankful for it. As a mum you question everything that you do and worry you aren’t fully doing your best so to hear different techniques was incredibly welcomed. I answered as many mums’ responses as I could, embracing each offering. Some were quick to dispel others but for me, any advice was good advice; I was at my wit’s end!

A couple of nights later I realised that some of the techniques that were suggested were not suitable for us as a family. They went against what we believed was right for us and our child and I posted that on Facebook. Something that was suggested that we did not agree on was given by the woman who has now disowned me. I was so shocked that she seemed to have taken personal offence to my words. All I had said was a certain technique was not for us. It was her choice to be offended by it.

I have the right to disagree.

I have the right to realise something does not suit me.

It does not question or disapprove someone else’s beliefs but it’s my right to make that decision for my daughter. After all, we know our own children better than anyone else.

To delete me is absurd but perhaps your motives were something else entirely?

You barely uttered two words to me after my wedding, joining the gang of pathetic girls who did the same. Yet, foolishly, I believed you were better than that. Educated, caring and responsible are how you came across, people liked and like you. I often hear very good things about you. You even gave me well wishes when my daughter was born prematurely.

There are many people that do things that look good.

What about just doing good?

No questions. No expectations. Just true.

Thank you to all the mummies who helped me last month. Your advice is very much appreciated.

xxx

Farewell My Friends.

I cannot believe I am waving a sad yet sweet goodbye to my fellow bloggers and supporters of freefromhim, my beloved blog for the last twenty months.

It was a difficult decision but as I am now looking forward and moving towards recovery, I feel that the blog has done the job it intended to do. Now, with the ever-progressing pregnancy and new changes in my life, I feel it is the right time to close the chapter on this blog.

I have decided on a date to say goodbye. I can only hazard a guess that baby will be born on it’s actual due date – the 10th November however it is more than likely that baby will be the only one to decide when it needs to come out! Thus, when it does and when I return home to show you all our little beauty, that will be the date I will post my last post.

For the next fourteen or so weeks, I will continue to blog current and old news. I will re-blog some of the most memorable, life-changing and poignant posts I have written especially the ones that gained the biggest reactions or the most support.

I am so grateful for what this blog has done.

I was hesitant to start it and sadly, was faced with many a negative comment along my journey, some highly derogatory and condescending. Others, just plain ignorant. I do not regret anything I have written about. It was my choice and my words of a past and truth that existed, it happened and as much as many haters will deny it, my father was my abuser.

Closure is what I set out to find and closure is what I have got.

No longer am I angry.
No longer am I hurt.

He is dead and long gone and has no way of hurting me now.
Although my family is no way repaired (the emotional bruises of the last thirty years are still incredibly apparent) and even though there are issues still to be resolved, I feel ten times more stronger than I did at the beginning of my journey.

Undoubtedly, that is due to the immense and loyal support from my friends and fellow bloggers. Your faith and compassion has surpassed my expectations.

So thank you.

Without you, my faith in humanity would have disappeared entirely.

Of course, I am not vanishing completely from WordPress. As I mentioned in ‘Biting the Bullet’ post of late, I will be setting up a lifestyle/fashion blog in the next few months (possibly on my maternity leave when moving around becomes limited!) so PLEASE follow me there and stay with me on my new journey.

Life is precious and my god does it fly by. He took thirty years of my life. He controlled, abused and manipulated all the time we had together. I do not plan to live the rest of my life with him in my thoughts. They do not deserve that. They do not deserve an ounce of our time or a second in our minds.

We must remain free.
Free from them.

Popular, I want to be popular!

As the song from WICKED The Musical goes: “Popular, you’re gonna be popular!”

Now into my early thirties. I am certainly less needy when it comes to friendships. Gone is the want to be popular but that is just me. That is not to say I am not witness to grown women desperate for the title of ‘Little Miss Popular’. In fact I am witness to it right now. A small cohort is forming before me. It doesn’t seem to matter what age you are. Twenties, thirties, even sixties. My mother has seen it happen to the people around her within the last ten years and even recently many of her friendship dynamics have changed.

Why the need to be liked by everyone?

Yes. I am one who doesn’t enjoy being disliked but I am realistic. I am not everyone’s cup of tea and have, within the last few years, I have certainly felt that happen. You cannot be best buds with everyone. It isn’t possible. Yet there are people out there who cannot cope with the idea of not being liked, they need to be popular.

Well what is ‘popular’?

Define it. Well the dictionary deems it as:

pop·u·lar

adjective

1.

regarded with favour, approval, or affection by people in general: a popular preacher.

The movies portray it as someone who’s fashionable, fun, attractive, confident and borderline conceited. On the other side the most popular characters seem to have the most obvious faults and problems. There is the reality.

To me being popular is a combination of the two. It is common nature to want people to like you but to what extent do you go to to get that. I cannot trust someone who longs for popularity. That person is flaky and never truly anyone’s friend. The bounce back and forth like a tennis ball, never forming honest bonds and the people (or should I say sheep) around them allow it because they are also desperate for popularity too.

• In ‘Grease’, Sandy becomes the epitome of beautiful and popular when she changes her entire appearance. She gets the guy and the respect from her fellow females.

• In ‘Mean Girls’, Cady pretends to be popular by adhering to their rules and essentially dumbing herself down to fit in. Eventually she begins to like the new her. Well what does that say about popularity?

• In ‘She’s All That’, another ‘transformation’ story, Laney Boggs is a renowned geek and ugly duckling until her date’s sister transforms her into a beautiful swan. Only then is she popular.

Of course, in two of these movies, the girls come to a frank and bitter revelation by the end realising that popularity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

If only it were like that in real life eh?

   

*Courtesy of Google*

Ignorance is Bliss.

Blissfully ignorant swimming through lies

Kick off your shoes and bathe in your ignorance

Float across a sea of blindness

Wallowing in arrogance

Blissfully unaware yet easily hurt

Playing the game with expert precision

Relaxing in a haze of bewilderment

Shame nor blame can play a part

A role you detach yourself from

Blissfully innocent

Yet brewing with hate

Ignorant by default

A dulling dumbness

Your toes can touch the shallow end

Blissfully inept

Blinded by the densest fog

Shielding yourselves from reality

Happily lost in an illiterate certainty

Ahhh ignorance is bliss.

Who to trust?

You think you know someone, you think you know them well.

You feel you trust them, as far as you can tell.

A little whisper, a little laugh behind your back

And trust is gone, in an instant, with a smack

In the face, hard as hell, you feel foolish once more

That you lay open to them as you have done once before.

Where to sit, what to say, who knows when they will turn,

be on your guard, stay alert, protection from their burns

Bitter words shatter hearts and tear apart one’s soul

Just treat me as a human being, treat me as a whole.

Who to trust, who to doubt, for that I’ll never know

For trust can be as strong as Zeus or fade away like snow.

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

To my Old ‘Friends’.

Dear Old Friends,

In the time we knew one another, what did you really think of me? A couple of you vented your anger at me towards the end of our relationship with unfair irritation over things that were out of my control. You clearly got me all wrong.

There must have been something in me that you liked once. Bizarrely, I never changed. Yet, you found something so unpleasant in me it was enough to walk away.

I know that I was closed off. It was my safety net. You only needed to know so much. When I did let my guard down and revealed some truths, you used them against me as a weapon or a bargaining tool. How could I trust you after that? I was insecure. I doubted myself and any confidence you may have seen was a clever shield of protection.

I was and am a loyal friend, supportive and caring. Your longing to be popular and superior pushed me to one side. I do not want those things. I never have.

To the so-called friends who attended my wedding. You had the free meal and wine and then you disregarded me like an old newspaper. What happened? It took the space of my ten day honeymoon for me to return and find you had changed. No explanation, only distance. You still can’t properly look me in the eye now can you? Are you ashamed of your behaviour? You should be. I am worth ten of you. I would never treat someone like that.

What did you have against me? It is clear that perhaps you do not agree with this blog. You do not feel it is necessary to bring up the past and portray my deceased father in this horrific light. All I am doing is shining the light on the truth. Many run from it but I am facing it. Not only for me but to help others in the same situation. Not every choice is selfish. My father was a bad man. He was a cruel and ruthless man. Just because he is dead does not mean he gets to rest in peace. I do not need to honour him. I have no respect for him, living or dead.

What is abuse to you?

Do you get that he destroyed me? Are you willing to look past your own feelings and see what he did to me? Probably not as you are shallow and narrow minded. You see life in black and white and that is why we were never meant to be true friends.

If you were all such angels, perhaps you would not think it was okay to drop someone like that for no given reason. Maybe you aren’t all as innocent as you like to think you are.

L, it is funny that for someone who came to my engagement drinks and wedding, that now you ignore me if we arrive on the same train platform occasionally. I won’t ever forget that oh so recent day when you clocked me in the corner of your eye and deliberately headed to the furthest point of the tube carriage! I’m lucky I didn’t get a complex from that! It is pathetic. I have done nothing to you. It is almost as though getting married was the only thing going for me in terms of personality. Charming.

M, you’re the same although perhaps a little worse. I trusted you. I classed you as a close friend but that all came to a head when you and P ruined my hen night. If money was so tight why an earth did you both agree to come in the first place? It wasn’t as though we had planned an extensive, expensive outing was it but to leave half way through the evening is really taking the piss and to make matters even worse you took most of the party with you!! Outrageous. I had only planned to have one hen do in my lifetime you know so thanks for cocking that up (!)

I do not wish for you all back. Everything happens for a reason and to be honest, I do not think my life would be any better with you all in it.

Enough said.

Ros.

 

The inevitable.

Well here it is, another birthday!

Inevitably, I’m getting older. Tomorrow will mark my thirty second birthday. I’m not entirely sure where the last decade of my life has actually gone (!)

I began my birthday ‘weekend’ a little more productively this year than last. I wasn’t in the best of places emotionally last year. I had lost a few friendships (not really out of choice, they just distanced themselves for no clear reason) and was feeling very low about myself in general. My husband took me out for dinner in Central London to a restaurant we had both wanted to visit for a while. Unfortunately, our decadent seafood meal resulted in a week long bout of food poisoning! Regardless to say, we never ventured back into that restaurant again.

I didn’t do anything with my friends which is pretty unusual for me. Ever since my eighteenth have I celebrated my birthday at some point with friends. However last year was the first time I hadn’t. Several girls, who I once regarded as close friends, suddenly deserted me. Out of nowhere, they took their friendships away; they dumped me. I felt discarded. Unwanted. To be honest, I felt depressed. It was a familiar cycle for me. I thought I was past all that at the age of thirty one. Apparently not.

This year I thought, ‘Screw it!’. I invited a couple of close friends out for lunch in North London for Mezze. It was delicious, fun and relaxed. It was a small and discreet celebration but worth planning. I deserve to celebrate my birthday with people that care about me. I realised that today.

Tomorrow, on my actual birthday, my husband and mum have organised a ‘Birthday Brunch’ complete with tea, finger sandwiches and cupcakes, very English! I will take some pictures. My in-laws are coming over in the afternoon too. It’ll be nice to have a more family orientated birthday. It’s been a while since I’ve experienced anything like that so I’m looking forward to it.

Anyway, enjoy your weekend!

Haha!

Three Traitors.

Three Traitors I never thought you would be,

attended my wedding so happily.

Portrayed a friendship that never existed,

now have turned your backs and become so twisted.

Kept in the dark for over a year

as the three of you will never adhere,

to the rules of friendship and of respect,

you threes traitors have found some unknown defect.

A weakness in me is apparent to you.

Unfairly I am seen as some flagrant yahoo.

Could you three be further from the stark reality?

My honesty has upset your clear morality.

But decency comes hand in hand with integrity,

something you three are lacking tremendously.

What happened to me, well it isn’t a joke,

It did not intend or set out to provoke.

Narrow minded people will always be waiting,

they will always be judging, crushing and berating.

It was your job to be there and supportive of me,

perhaps I expected too highly of thee.

I am shocked at your performance to push me out

of the tight little group that’s beginning to sprout,

Who knew that women could act this way?

These toxic people in their disarray.

Yes, I am better off but there’s no doubt that it kills,

to become a part of their gossiping thrills.

You three traitors take part in your conceited parade,

and show off each other in every charade.

An obsession for popularity soldiers you on

and your ruthlessness and rudeness follows you home.

I see you are unhappy with the new friend I have made.

It is not my fault that I want to upgrade.

She is a new trophy, a prize, that you want to own,

to be my friend is something you cannot condone.

Three traitors you are with key motivation.

To separate yourselves in gutless frustration.

Three traitors you are, three traitors you’ll be,

I will start to move on more suspiciously.

Three traitors you are, three traitors you’ll stay,

Be happy together; go traitor away.

To my three traitors,

you really are something else.

But so am I.

Ros.

As though we never met.

It’s as though you cannot see me,

you only nod to say hello.

A brief smile perhaps….maybe,

but your talk is just for show.

It’s as though we never met,

or shared a joke or two,

you have your new found friends

and I have seen the real you.

It’s as though you couldn’t care

your face reeks of retribution,

a feeling of despair

as I stand for prosecution.

In front of their watchful eyes

of the girls you so admire.

Judged by women I barely know

and a friendship now expired.

It’s as though we never laughed

or shared sad times together.

The memories are just lost

like my faith in friendship forever.

 

 

It only takes a year.

It only takes a year

just twelve months,

for you to change your mind.

With no reason I can find

It only takes that long.

It only takes that long,

just twelve months,

for your loyalty to dissipate.

For you to demonstrate,

that our friendship has gone.

Our friendship has now gone,

in just twelve months,

you are like a stranger to me.

It is what you wanted to be

in this year that has gone by.

In this year that has gone by,

in just twelve short months,

Our lives move side by side.

Yet you have just denied

me from even talking to you.

I cannot even talk to you,

these past twelve months.

Your distance is surprising,

suspicions are arising,

it’s only been one year.

It’s only been one year

just twelve little months,

and I feel like it’s been a waste,

that time can’t be erased.

That you have left me with regret.

Why leave me with regret?

In these last twelve months?

Why hurt me so easily?

Or treat me so sleazily?

You had choices at the start.

You had a choice at the start,

before these past twelve months,

if I wasn’t as you had hoped,

I think I would have coped,

without you in my life.