Drawing a line……for now.

I’ve taken a bit of time out from my last post. Time being the operative word as there never seems to be much of it. My husband and I received many responses from friends and well-wishers, all concerned about the state of our marriage and future.

There is not much I can do to reassure them.

I’ve weighed up the pros and cons to my marriage, to my husband. There are several on each side.

PROS: 

  • Wants to change
  • Great father
  • Supportive of my dreams/goals
  • Not nasty by nature
  • Genuinely cares
  • Sensitive
  • ‘Gets’ me

CONS: (when he is at his worst)

  • Moody
  • Distant
  • Bad listener
  • Says hurtful things
  • Acts before thinking
  • Negative

When I look at each list I see great things and pretty awful things. I’m torn. On one hand I desperately miss my best friend and on the other, I long to be on my own, away from the endless stress.

The two of us have talked. We do see a future together but understand that it will be a very long road to travel before we feel truly happy. As arduous and trying as that may be, I have to draw a line in the sand if I have any hope that my marriage could work.

I grew up in a broken home. My mother and father’s idea of marriage was abusive and destructive. It led them to be terrible role models for me and my sister. I did not look up to either of them. I do not want this for my daughter. I want both of us to be fantastic role models for her, showing her what it takes to be a good parent, wife, husband and friend. We will make mistakes – no one is faultless but that too is a lesson she should learn. Except here, mistakes will be made in a loving environment not in a harmful, loveless one. I just cannot do that to her.

So this is it.

A line is drawn.

Let’s see where we go from here.

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2014 A Look Back: May – August.

May.

This month, my husband and I celebrated two years of marriage. I do not know where the time has gone! Also this month I concluded my letter series with a piece written to my sister. There have been no improvements on that front unfortunately. She still excludes me from her life even though several attempts have been made to build bridges. I remain confused to why our relationship ever stopped and from recent events, I doubt things will ever be truly resolved or that I am wanted back in her life. It’s all very sad.

June.

I had my five month scan in June. It was an important one to see if the baby had any abnormalities. It also tested for Down’s Syndrome. We were very glad to find out that we were not at risk. Baby was healthy and growing well. My pregnancy had been going well and apart from a pretty bad case of morning sickness in the first trimester, I was really starting to enjoy it.

July.

As the pregnancy continued and the symptoms became more prominent, my activity on WordPress began to dwindle. As a frequent writer this was unusual for me but the ever-growing tiredness was consuming my waking hours. Pregnant in the summer months was not very enjoyable and working all day did not help matters either. The end of July marked the beginning of a much needed six week holiday where I could finally take a well-deserved break and properly prepare for baby’s arrival. Unbeknownst to me, my organisational skills would save me in the end and my good preparation for baby would cause much less panic than expected two months later………

August.

In August I made a decision to leave the blog as soon as my baby came. It was a difficult decision to make but originally the whole point of the blog was to gain closure from the emotional abuse I endured for fifteen years from my father. It was to gain closure from his death and to release the anger I felt for him in a safe and controlled way. I achieved that last year so began to question my reasons for staying on here. However, with the turmoil I’ve had over the last few months mixed with the elation of creating my beautiful little girl, I’ve realised something. I NEED this site. I need to vent somewhere, to celebrate somewhere, to release somewhere, to be myself somewhere. That somewhere is here at freefromhim and I will not be going anywhere.

This is part of me now.

Ros x

Introducing……..

roo sleep

That’s right my WordPress friends……..I have given birth to a beautiful baby girl!

I realise I have been a little off the WordPress radar recently and she is the main reason as to why! The last ten days have been a very tiring and intense journey which has resulted in the early delivery of this little mite. Baby is seven weeks premature and sadly remains in hospital as my husband and I have returned home. We are finding it very hard to be without her and know what she is doing or how she is getting on but we know she is having the best care possible and needs to be monitored. Her health and growth are more important to us than anything else.

I want to share my journey with you from the last ten days. From the day my waters broke at work (yes really) to the adventure and journey it will be towards getting our baby girl home. I always said my last post for freefromhim would be the day my baby was born. However, this little chick came seven weeks early, eager and unexpected and we have a long road ahead of us to get her home. On that day, I will bid you all a fond farewell and continue on my own personal journey towards happiness and clarity.

In the meantime, keep us in your hearts and minds. Pray and think of the little one and send over good wishes.

So, ladies and gentlemen of WordPress and beyond, introducing………………….

Ivy-Wren 

xxxxxxxxx

Farewell My Friends.

I cannot believe I am waving a sad yet sweet goodbye to my fellow bloggers and supporters of freefromhim, my beloved blog for the last twenty months.

It was a difficult decision but as I am now looking forward and moving towards recovery, I feel that the blog has done the job it intended to do. Now, with the ever-progressing pregnancy and new changes in my life, I feel it is the right time to close the chapter on this blog.

I have decided on a date to say goodbye. I can only hazard a guess that baby will be born on it’s actual due date – the 10th November however it is more than likely that baby will be the only one to decide when it needs to come out! Thus, when it does and when I return home to show you all our little beauty, that will be the date I will post my last post.

For the next fourteen or so weeks, I will continue to blog current and old news. I will re-blog some of the most memorable, life-changing and poignant posts I have written especially the ones that gained the biggest reactions or the most support.

I am so grateful for what this blog has done.

I was hesitant to start it and sadly, was faced with many a negative comment along my journey, some highly derogatory and condescending. Others, just plain ignorant. I do not regret anything I have written about. It was my choice and my words of a past and truth that existed, it happened and as much as many haters will deny it, my father was my abuser.

Closure is what I set out to find and closure is what I have got.

No longer am I angry.
No longer am I hurt.

He is dead and long gone and has no way of hurting me now.
Although my family is no way repaired (the emotional bruises of the last thirty years are still incredibly apparent) and even though there are issues still to be resolved, I feel ten times more stronger than I did at the beginning of my journey.

Undoubtedly, that is due to the immense and loyal support from my friends and fellow bloggers. Your faith and compassion has surpassed my expectations.

So thank you.

Without you, my faith in humanity would have disappeared entirely.

Of course, I am not vanishing completely from WordPress. As I mentioned in ‘Biting the Bullet’ post of late, I will be setting up a lifestyle/fashion blog in the next few months (possibly on my maternity leave when moving around becomes limited!) so PLEASE follow me there and stay with me on my new journey.

Life is precious and my god does it fly by. He took thirty years of my life. He controlled, abused and manipulated all the time we had together. I do not plan to live the rest of my life with him in my thoughts. They do not deserve that. They do not deserve an ounce of our time or a second in our minds.

We must remain free.
Free from them.

The Never-Ending Story.

Nothing to do with the film but everything to do with the story of my life.

A few months ago, I made a conscious decision to stop blogging about past, to focus on the happier things occurring in my life. Blessed with the news of the pregnancy, it seemed like a new start. A chance where I could finally look to the future. My father is no longer a problem physically yet his ever-controlling presence sadly still exists.
I am yet to see a penny of my inheritance as I approach the two year anniversary of his death. To make matters worse as I am still residing with my mother, I still have to endure the daily torture of passing my old abuser’s home every day to work and back.

This is something sadly I have grown accustomed to this past year however it annoys me slightly that the new owners have already moved in and re-decorated, moving forward with their lives and I am stuck waiting, without news, on a chance to move forward with mine.

Surprisingly, that I can deal with.

The real upset is my sister.

I have always said to David, to my friends, that one day soon she would begin to etch herself back into my mother’s life and today we discover she is continuing her journey back to our mum.

It all began last year on Boxing Day when my mother received a card from her. Slowly, over the year, she has found new ways to find an avenue to return. It is never consistent. Instead, every few months she re-appears and toys with her mother’s emotions. An opportunity allowed itself in April. A chance appeared by natural where she could have easily re-entered the family ‘fold’. However, it was her choice to reject that chance when I attempted to call her and inform my only sister that I was pregnant.

She would not allow it. She just would not speak to me and the sweet, innocent news was broken to her by email. Yes, I did not hold back either. I felt at that point, it was within my right to tell her a few home truths about her. Many, many times over many many years have I listened to her tell me my faults and I have always bitten my tongue in reference to her. Mostly out of fear to awaken the beast inside. Her anger has always been terrifying (at times worse than his). However, I am a thirty two year old woman and she is forty for crying out loud. Perhaps it is time to reflect on the reasons why you are so estranged from your family? We NEVER walked away from you.

Many would ask why it bothers me that my sister is back in contact?

Let me make it clear – she is not back in contact with me. Only my mother. Cards on her birthday only. Letters only addressed to her. Did she congratulate me on my good news? No. Has she mentioned the baby when writing to our mother? No. Her intentions are very clear. She wants my mother back only. NOT me.

Well let me make my intentions clear.

I will not go through it again. I will not participate in any mind games. I refuse to be controlled. You may think your trusted strategy will bring you great success again, after all it worked so well with our father. I cannot speak for our mother. I do not know what you intend to use for your advantage this time. Will it be the tried and tested emotional tactic of using the grandchildren? Or perhaps the fact that you’ve suddenly realised you ‘need’ a mother figure in your life again? Just hurry up and make up your mind.

To be honest, if you really wanted to move forward you would not be pushing me aside. Hurt does not even cover it. You abandoned both your parents yet offered your love back to them like nothing had happened. Yet that love has never been offered to me.

Just say it. You wish I’d never come along don’t you?

I look at my friends and people on Facebook sharing photos of their sisters and I’m jealous. After all these years, I’m still jealous.

At least it proves one thing.

I have a heart.

143 Days to go!

I’m currently approaching week 20 of my pregnancy (the half way mark!!) and am starting to feel slightly more human than before. Thankfully, the constant appearance of nausea is fading. I find that on the weekends, especially when I get the chance to sleep in, the nausea is completely at bay. Waking for work at 6 am is a different story and the sensation of brushing my teeth cannot keep the feeling of sickness away. Quite often do I have to plan my morning schedule so that there is time left over for me to lie down for five minutes to shoo away the nausea; it seems to work. Only then can I get on with getting ready.

There are 143 days to go until my due date. Seems like a lot but really it’s a little over 4 months. I am not quite sure where the last 5 months have gone.  It’s quite exciting if not slightly nerve wracking too!

There has been a bit of a baby avalanche recently. These things always seem to happen in groups and patterns. I think it’s nice when people you know are having babies around the same time. That’s something very special you’ll always share.

I have not begun to purchase anything for baby yet. I think by the time I hit the six month mark, we should have found out about the inheritance money with the hope it’ll be arriving soon. It’ll obviously be an enormous help to us with baby on the way and ideally a chance for us to begin looking for some much needed space of our own.

Undoubtedly, I will miss my mother. As much as we disagree or dispute, I cannot deny how caring she has been this year. It feels unusual to have it – love. So open and clear, so truthful and genuine. I am not used to that. Her love is unconditional and that has been an awakening.

She is looking forward to becoming a grandma again. This baby marks her third time. Sadly, she does not see my sister’s children. One day, I hope that can be resolved. She does not deserve such punishment. Her heart breaks every moment they pop into her head. Love is not political. Nor is it competitive or conditioned.

I know she will have an abundance of love for our little one.

Next Tuesday will be our 20 week anomaly scan. I am a little nervous and apprehensive, touch wood that all is well. We will now be able to see a much clearer view of baby as our 12 week scan seemed more like a blob to me! Although everybody else is able to point out features! I just want EXACT and DEFINITE knowledge that what I think I’m seeing is genuinely what I am actually seeing!

My Asthma has been playing up a little. Doctors say that around this time it is likely to feel a little short of breath. However with Asthma, it seems harder to decipher which is which, pregnancy or Asthma.

We recently signed up for some NCT (National Childbirth Trust) classes for October. They are costly and at are held at awkward times in the evening but after many recommendations from friends and colleagues, it seemed like a sensible thing to do. The NHS offers a day version for free but these classes are tailored to offer one to one advice about baby and birth within a close and personal environment. One where you are able to meet prospective mothers in the same position as you. Not only do you feel more prepared for motherhood and baby but you get the chance to make some new friends. Something I always welcome.

My sister still hasn’t responded or congratulated me on my pregnancy news. Perhaps she is angry at my last message to her. The thing is, how long can I beat around the bush and side step ever confronting her on her behavior? I chose to do it without patronizing her and without aggression but openly and truthfully. To be honest with you, after recent events, perhaps honesty is NOT the best policy(!)

Have a good weekend guys 🙂

New Chapters Lead to a Better Journey.

I have been writing on WordPress since January 2013. This blog has consisted of tales and memories circulating around my past and childhood. It has mainly centred around the horrors of the emotional and verbal abuse and torment I endured from my late father. I began the blog with a hope for closure. A hope that I would be able to close the doors on my abhorrent and devastating past. I do feel as though in many ways I have achieved this closure. 

Writing on WordPress and meeting countless survivors of abuse, has not only been humbling but encouraging too. It has been the best decision of my life so far without doubt. I feel a changed woman and could not have felt this way without all the support, backing and faith from my fellow bloggers.

So thank you.

I am beginning a new chapter in my life.

As I am now on the path to becoming a mother, I want to move forward and look to a happier future. Perhaps it is time to say goodbye to the man who ruined my early adulthood for good and firmly slam the doors on his legacy. Of course, I cannot say I am in a truly happy place. I cannot admit that my life is perfect either. Troubles continue with my family and sister especially. Sadly there I am still haunted by many aspects of the past and until they are resolved, moving forward will be difficult. I just hope that the past does not repeat itself. I wish that I could say everything is fine now – it isn’t but hopefully there will be a day when I can say that I’m firmly on my way to recovery. Living with and surviving his torture has left me with a world of insecurities and anguish but maybe now, using WordPress, I can explore deeper into resolving and re-evaluating myself. I can take credit for the person I am and want to be and not rely on who I once was.

I still want to help others in their plight to reach the same closure I am trying to also accomplish and there may be times it is necessary to refer back to the past. However, I am at a point now where I want to find inner happiness and I am sure my followers and supporters want that for me too.

So guys, here’s to a happier future and many more blogs to come. One that’s filled with a sense of hope not uncertainty. One that marks a new journey into personal goals and dreams I have put on hold because of that man.

Here’s to a better life.