Lovers.

Lovers watching

waiting in the dark,

touching,

whispering

sweet nothings.

Lovers lonely

Reaching out,

Confiding,

Searching

for love.

Lovers wanting

fantasy fulfilled,

Secrets,

Enticing

bitter kisses.

Lovers aching

clinging to hope,

dreaming,

Fearing

a life without.

Lovers existing

Hiding away,

Transparent,

Lucid

Ambiguity.

Lovers alike

Calling out,

Invading,

Avoiding

Creeping through.

Lovers escape

Shielding lies,

Rejecting,

Embracing,

Desolation.

Lovers beware

Clutching hands,

Corrupting,

Distorting,

true life.

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Self-indulgent Bullshit.

Luckily on WordPress there are filters. Thankfully – there are filters. Unfortunately, you may attract some haters, people that are looking to make a point, to insult and patronise. People who believe they know what counts as “abuse”, that it is as black and white as being slapped across the face. Well it isn’t. I may have not suffered physical violence. I may not have been slapped across the face. However, unless you yourself has suffered from abuse, you cannot dare to comment on what I have been through. To the rude man who decided to comment on my last post, my life, my past is just that. It is mine. If you do not agree with it then do not read it. I am not playing a victim. I do not want that label. I set out on my own journey last year and I do not have to justify it to you – a total stranger. You clearly have no idea what emotional abuse is.

My photos are only a small element of my past. I am not ungrateful for having a life. Everyone is ‘allowed’ to look back. I do not compare myself to anyone else. I am not belittling other’s abuse nor am I expecting anyone’s sympathy or “pity” as you so kindly say. Other survivors on WordPress have been incredibly supportive. They (having experienced it themselves) understand. They can see through the darkness. YOU however, will remain hidden from the light in your miserable little world, looking for someone to attack and criticise for your own personal gain.

Perhaps you have been abused yourself. I hope not. I do not wish that on anyone.

My photos are a part of my old life. My “basic human right” was to eat, not to have a cooker. Clearly that needed to be spelled out to you. Of course food is a human right and obviously there are many people in this world who cannot access that. I am not comparing myself to them. I am born and bred in the Western world. My life would always have been different to theirs abuse or no abuse.

My father had a history of abuse. He terrorised my mother for thirty years. He was a very generous man, so generous that not only did he emotionally abuse her, he battered her too! The man was clever, he learnt his lessons, he never touched me. How lucky for me (!) You are a weak human being. A troll. You do not know me yet you feel free to, behind your computer shielded from view, manipulate my words and condemn my truth. Good luck on your quest to break someone. You haven’t succeeded here.

Now tell me WordPress readers, from the rudeness of this stranger:

Am I “undermining the voices of the real victims of abuse”?

Oh and cheers for your bright and breezy comment that my life is “self-indulgent bullshit”. You really are a pleasant man.

We appreciate frankness from those who like us. Frankness from others is called insolence.
Andre Maurois

2013 A review: April – June.

APRIL

This month saw many entries on WordPress taken from old journals and diaries I had discovered from the abuser’s home. I looked back on several noted incidents that affected me in some way. I began revealing much more about my father. Not only what he did to me but how he lived his own life, the values he followed and the life choices he made.

April was the first month that I displayed a photograph taken from my father’s house (Post: And he called me “dirty”! April 17th) It showed the awful way in which we both lived. A way that I hated but it was out of my control. My father put many demands and outrageous expectations on me over the years and this photo was just a small example of his control. The five bedroom house was far too much for one person to look after. Especially a young woman with a full time job, friends and a life. I wasn’t allowed “excuses”. I wasn’t allowed a life. My life was indebted to him. I “owed” him for having a life.

On the 20th, I suffered from a severe Asthma attack where I was taken to the emergency room by my neighbour. I received a lot of support and well wishes from the WordPress community. It surprised and moved me that strangers all over the world showed such kindness to someone they had never met. I was not used to that. Thank you.

MAY

May was a busy month for me. In my general life and on WordPress. It was the first time I shared my poetry on my blog with “Control me”, a piece I wrote during the years of severe abuse.

On the 20th on May, I travelled to Madrid, Spain for a five day trip with three of my colleagues and twelve children from work. It was an experience to say the least! I am thrilled to have done it. To be trusted by my superiors and given that responsibility is something I will treasure. The laughs we shared will be remembered forever. It really was a once in a lifetime sort of thing.

The weekend I returned was that of my one year wedding anniversary with David. Although the wedding day itself holds some upsetting memories (a day that I still can’t bring myself to fully blog about with reasons that no one bar David seem to comprehend), it is always going to be the moment I pledged my love and trust to my devoted husband David and that is main reason why our anniversary will be special for the rest of our lives. I wrote you a letter David on our anniversary this year. Here is to many more my love.

The biggest moment of May was when I made the risky decision to “out” some very spiteful girls. Four to be exact as I began a series of posts retelling the story of their betrayals. C & C, H and N were subject to the truth finally coming out. I received many responses to the series. Old school friends and colleagues who understood whom I was referring to offered their support and agreement. Their thoughts were very welcome. However, I did receive one negative comment from a supporter and friend of N. She threatened legal action at my accusations. All I said was the truth. I did not use names, nor did I say exactly where we had known each other from. N’s friend only landed N in it, she basically announced to the world of Facebook who N actually was. She was the one who broke the rules. Her anger embarrassed her and surprisingly, many of our peers from that time spoke out in support for me. She never followed through with her threats.

A coward is much more exposed to quarrels than a man of spirit.
Thomas Jefferson

JUNE

June was a pretty easy month. The weather began to dramatically improve in England and Summer seemed to be fast approaching. I blogged seventeen times this month.

Deliberate Donkey a woman’s story about her journey through domestic violence, generously re-blogged my work. It would be the first time someone had referred to my abuser as a “sociopath” after reading my story. It was a term I began to explore.

http://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/2013/06/04/guest-post-freefromhim/

(Scroll up to top of page when opened)

2013: A review January – March.

Ten more days to go until the first day of 2014. Once again, another year of my life has flown by and I am looking back on quite a year. This time however, I get to look back and share it with a new group of people: my WordPress followers, readers and fellow bloggers. What a year it has been. Lets look back together.

JANUARY

On the 6th of January, I decided to begin a blog on WordPress. It was a dangerous and risky decision. It would expose a life I had hidden from many people for over fifteen years. It would reveal truths some people would rather not know. It would portray a man (who many trusted) to be an evil, ruthless, callous and hurtful father who destroyed his daughter’s soul. It would be my story, a story that provoked people I had not seen for years. People who felt it was necessary to “warn” me and give their advice. They made it clear that I should keep my personal life “private” and that I might “hurt people”. I made it clear back that I had not set out to hurt anyone. It was much more than that. It was closure. It was freedom. It was truth. It would be a chance to speak and finally be heard. It would be the best decision I had ever made (bar leaving him of course).

FEBRUARY

On the 4th of February I celebrated five years together with David. We set our anniversary from our first kiss. It was a moment that changed my life. Gone were the men who used me and took advantage of my loyal nature. A new man had walked into my life. Little did I know that day he would make me as happy as he does now.

During this month, I received an abundance of support from old school friends and past colleagues about the blog over Facebook. I was taken aback from their kind words and blown away by their words of encouragement. It meant so much to know that there was no judgement, that people could see into my past and believe it, acknowledge it and most of all – accept it.

MARCH

I celebrated my 31st birthday on the 2nd. David took me to a South African restaurant in Central London for dinner. It was decadent and adventurous. I felt a little out of my comfort zone but enjoyed it nonetheless. Unfortunately, the food didn’t sit well within me and after a day I began to have horrific stomach pains. Within moments I was nauseous and lying over the bathroom toilet. I thought I had food poisoning but it was a severe case of gastric flu. The week after my birthday was spent at home ill. To top it off, my virus passed onto David who joined me for most of the week holed up in bed. Well Happy Birthday to me!

On WordPress I recounted the triggers that remind me of my father and his abuse. Fruit, movies, plastic knives and forks, making beds and self-help books were the entries I made in March, they continued into April with Furniture stores and Toothpicks and table manners. These triggers still happen. If I see certain objects or hear a particular piece of music, if I visit a particular place or even hear a phrase he might have said; it propels me back to a specific time where life was frightening and upsetting every day. I become emotional very quickly and find it difficult to calm down. A panic attack can be the worst reaction to one of my triggers.

March was the month where a colleague questioned my “motives” for writing this blog. She accused me of taking “revenge” on my dead father. That it was unkind and unfair to do so. It surprised me that she could not empathise with my situation nor could she understand my reasons for revealing my truths. I was annoyed by it. I did not feel I should have to justify my choices and actions to her. She did not know my father. She had not met him. She only had her morals and principles and values to go on. I have morals. I have principles and values too. That is an important part of why I decided to do this, because of my values and principles. I would not be following them if I hid away and “forgave” him for all the hurt and pain he caused.

Dead or not, the truth will always shine through.

Three Traitors.

Three Traitors I never thought you would be,

attended my wedding so happily.

Portrayed a friendship that never existed,

now have turned your backs and become so twisted.

Kept in the dark for over a year

as the three of you will never adhere,

to the rules of friendship and of respect,

you threes traitors have found some unknown defect.

A weakness in me is apparent to you.

Unfairly I am seen as some flagrant yahoo.

Could you three be further from the stark reality?

My honesty has upset your clear morality.

But decency comes hand in hand with integrity,

something you three are lacking tremendously.

What happened to me, well it isn’t a joke,

It did not intend or set out to provoke.

Narrow minded people will always be waiting,

they will always be judging, crushing and berating.

It was your job to be there and supportive of me,

perhaps I expected too highly of thee.

I am shocked at your performance to push me out

of the tight little group that’s beginning to sprout,

Who knew that women could act this way?

These toxic people in their disarray.

Yes, I am better off but there’s no doubt that it kills,

to become a part of their gossiping thrills.

You three traitors take part in your conceited parade,

and show off each other in every charade.

An obsession for popularity soldiers you on

and your ruthlessness and rudeness follows you home.

I see you are unhappy with the new friend I have made.

It is not my fault that I want to upgrade.

She is a new trophy, a prize, that you want to own,

to be my friend is something you cannot condone.

Three traitors you are with key motivation.

To separate yourselves in gutless frustration.

Three traitors you are, three traitors you’ll be,

I will start to move on more suspiciously.

Three traitors you are, three traitors you’ll stay,

Be happy together; go traitor away.

To my three traitors,

you really are something else.

But so am I.

Ros.

Sociopath V.S Narcissist.

After researching sociopathy on the web, I came across the same definition that sociopathy was classed as a personality disorder. A website listed a few general points of a sociopath as being:

  • Glibness and Superficial Charm – my father had plenty of this.
  • Manipulative and Conning
    They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviours as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
  • Grandiose Sense of Self
    Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.” – undoubtedly another trait of my father’s.
  • Pathological Lying
    Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
  • Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
    A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way – the perfect description of my abuser. Nothing stood in his way when it came to me.
  • Shallow Emotions
    When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises – yet, with my abuser, he expected my emotions to be truth, I had to feel an abundance of love for him.
  • Incapacity for Love
  • Need for Stimulation
    Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
  • Callousness/Lack of Empathy
    Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
  • Poor Behavioural Controls/Impulsive Nature
    Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others – the abuser never had any boundaries around me. I was forbidden boundaries, he made it so he was free to enter all of my personal space.

I never thought of my father as a sociopath. I had always associated the term with criminals. It was only recently, when a fellow WordPress blogger mentioned to me that my father seemed to suffer from many of these traits did I look further into it. My father fitted into the majority of these descriptions. It’s shocking to read it out loud and see what kind of man I was dealing with for all those years.

I may never have thought of my abuser as a sociopath but I did regard him as a narcissist. My definition of a narcissist has always been of the tale of Narcissus in Greek Mythology. The son of a river god who was incredibly proud. He saw his reflection in a river and instantly fell in love with his own beauty. He became so fixated with himself that it caused his death.

I always saw my father as a narcissist; he truly loved himself. The Oxford Dictionary defines Narcissism as –

  • excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance.
  •  Psychology extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

Well that sums my father up to a tee especially the second part. He longed, yearned and craved admiration. He used his cut-throat, sociopathic ways to buy and gain admiration from others. It worked with many.

It never worked with me.

Liebster Award Nomination (Free From Him)

Thank you to yokatie.wordpress.com for nominating me for the Liebster award 🙂

I am very grateful that one person takes the time to read my blog let alone any more.

So in answer to your questions Katie:

1) Why do you blog?

Very simple. Because I have to. I have to finally tell the truth I have hidden all my life. I have to feel free to speak the words I have always kept a secret. Blogging has saved me in more ways than anything ever has.

2) When was the last time you did something crazy, or extraordinary?

Risk taking, unfortunately, is something I rarely do. I probably took more risks when I was living with my abuser, after all, I had experienced fear in every form. What was a few more risks? Mmmm, it’s a tough one. The last time I did anything extraordinary or crazy had to be at school when fear and inhibitions did not exist. I suppose this is a question I hope I can answer five years down the line with something impressive to wow you all!

3) Would you consider doing yoga?

Yes! I would. My best friend has recently taken a yoga teaching course in India, she encourages me all the time to start. With my Asian background, I’m almost betraying my culture by not! My father, the abuser, used to rave about Yoga but thankfully, I hadn’t seen him do any since I was a child, otherwise he would have put me off it. My mother is an avid Yoga enthusiast and talks about how wonderful it is for your mental state.

4) What do you love?

A list seems appropriate, unless you want this answer to be everlasting!

Crisp winter mornings, walking alone through the streets of London, a cup of Earl Grey tea in my favourite mug, admiring that unreachable designer bag, trying on hats, laughing till I ache, dreaming of flying, David holding my hand, my job, being respected, loyalty, dancing like I don’t care, margaritas, the sun on my face, singing when nobody’s listening, French bread and butter, olives, music that makes me cry, Chelsea boots, girls who get me, being able to breathe.

It’s funny because I never thought I would find it easy to say the things I love, it seems so seamless to take about the things I hate.

5) If you had nothing to do, every day for a year, what would motivate you to get up? Anything?

One word. Blogging. Blogging would motivate me. That and the blue sky beaming through the leaves and into my room. Blue sky can make anything better.

6) Have you ever held a chicken?

No! I can guarantee I wouldn’t be able to catch one either!

7) When was the last time you star gazed?

I used to do this with my sister when we were younger. She loved astronomy and we spent lots of time looking at and identifying the stars together. I loved these moments when life was innocent, before it all went wrong.

8) When was the last time you used the word ‘beautiful’?

When I described my nephew. My sister in law’s baby is three months old but I haven’t met him yet. I have seen pictures and he is beautiful. I think all babies are beautiful. I look forward to the day I have my own.

9) What is your favourite TV show? Band?

I don’t really have a favourite but I enjoy “Never Mind the Buzzcocks” – a music panel show that is hilarious. I’ve sort of grown up with it. I loved “Dead Set” which was a satirical Channel 4 series about a zombie outbreak on the Big Brother house, written by Charlie Brooker (who is a genius in my husband’s eyes). Favourite band is too tough to answer! I’m a song lover (thank god for iTunes!). To name a few: Locked out of Heaven – Bruno Mars, The Scientist – Coldplay, You can do it – Ice Cube, Red – Daniel Merriweather, Around the World – Daft Punk, Go your own Way – Fleetwood Mac, Work – Iggy Azalea, You and I – Lady Gaga, Parachute – Cheryl Cole, Mirrors – Justin Timberlake, People Help the People – Birdie, The Only Exception – Paramore.

10) Where do you feel like you belong?

I do not feel as though I have a place in society, in the world. My identity has disappeared and I feel as though it would make no difference if I was walking this earth or not. The abuser took all that away from me. I do not have a sense of belonging any more. I long to feel like that. The only place that I feel safe is in my mother’s arms.

I am also passing this nomination thread to others as there are so many wonderful bloggers out there suffering in the same way. Here are my ten questions for you:

  1. What do you admire about yourself?
  2. What would be your last meal?
  3. When was the last time you felt angry?
  4. What makes you laugh?
  5. What is your greatest fear?
  6. If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?
  7. Why did you start blogging?
  8. Is there anything in life you regret?
  9. What is temptation to you?
  10. Where is home?

My only nominations right now are below, their work is so touching and humbling. I urge you to read their stories.

catherinemoncada21.wordpress.com

http://masknolonger.wordpress.com