Raising Awareness.

I am taking my prompt from another blogger who has inadvertently encouraged me to start researching more about the many forms of abuse. I discovered emotional incest from my counsellor three years ago. I had never heard of it before then. Discovering this new term changed a part of my life. Finally, there were answers. I began researching it through the internet and came across a book, one that I have recommended on the blog already – The Emotional Incest Syndrome – Dr Patricia Love, believe me, it’s well worth a read. Many survivors of parental abuse may not realise that this is happening to them. I didn’t.

Over the next few posts I will be looking into the information that is out there on the world wide web to help other survivors of different forms of abuse. It will be good to know what avenues there are to explore especially in the United Kingdom as when I was suffering, it was difficult to know where to go. Of course, the doctor or psychiatrist is always an option but there should be more available to help people going through these traumas.

In the book I’ve recommended to you, there is a section that asks you to “tick” off what relates to your situation. If any of you have any doubts or questions about your relationship with your parents (past and present) this is a good and enlightening task to do. BEWARE: It may bring up some revelations and you need to be ready to face them. It not only asks you to look at your relationship with the abusers but the way in which you value yourself.

I do hope this is beneficial to you as it was to me.

 Check list of Enmeshment

Part A. Indication of an Overly Close Parent-Child Bond

1. I felt closer to one parent than the other.
2. I was a source of emotional support for one parent.
3. I was “best friends” with a parent.
4. A parent shared confidences with me.
5. A parent was deeply involved in my activities or in developing my talents
6. a parent took a lot of pride in my abilities or achievements.
7. I was given special privileges or gifts by one of my parents.
8. One of my parents told me in confidence that I was the favourite, most talented, or
most lovable child.
9. A parent thought I was better company than his/her spouse.
10. I sometimes felt guilty when I spent time away form one of my parents.
11. I got the impression a parent did not want me to marry or move far away form home.
12. When I was young I idolized one of my parents.
13. Any potential boyfriend/girlfriend of mind was never good enough for one of my
parents.

14. A parent seemed overly aware of my sexuality.

15. A parent made inappropriate sexual remarks or violated my privacy.
Part B. Indication of Unmet Adult Needs
1. My parents were separated, divorced, widowed, or didn’t get along very well.
2. One of my parents was often lonely, angry or depressed.
3. One of my parents did not have a lot of friends.
4. One or both parent had a drinking or drug problem.
5. One of my parents thought the other parent was too indulgent or permissive.
6. I felt I had to hold back my own needs to protect a parent.
7. A parent turned to me for comfort or advice.
8. A parent seemed to rely on me more than on my siblings.
9. I felt responsible for a parent’s happiness.
10. My parents disagreed about parenting issues.
 Part C. Indication of Parental Neglect of Abuse
1. My needs were often ignored or neglected.
2. There was a great deal of conflict between me a parent.
3. I was called hurtful names by a parent.
4. One of my parents had unrealistic expectations of me.
5. One of my parents was very critical of me.
6. I sometimes wanted to hide from a parent or had fantasies of running away.
7. When I was a child, other families seemed less emotionally intense than mine.
8. It was often a relief to get away from home.
9. I sometimes felt invaded by a parent.
10. I sometimes felt I added to a parent’s unhappiness.
 10 or more endorsements – possibly emotional incest. Look at how the checked items
cluster.

This is an extract from the book – The Emotional Incest Syndrome – Dr Patricia Love. I ticked 8 in Part A, 8 in Part B and all 10 in Part C. Part C I feel relates to the abuse from my father in my twenties. This is not just a reference to childhood. My counsellor told me to tick as it is happening to me now. I think that is where the realisation of what was happening really hit home. Lets use this and move forward.

Let the healing begin.

Ros xx

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6 thoughts on “Raising Awareness.

  1. So glad you’re sharing what you’ve learned. Sometimes, I think there are so many theories and books relating to abuse it can be hard to know where to start! Sometimes, we just need to hear it from someone who’s been there.

    1. Oh gosh, there is so much out there! Which is a great thing. I’ve read other autobiographies of abuse too but they always leave me feeling guilty over what happened to me. My abuse seems so trivial compared to theirs. I find more support from WordPress these days than the experts. Stay strong, Ros xx

      1. Ros, listen, hon….

        Some who have been abused may be offended by this, but it is only my opinion, and I am not forcing it on anyone. But here it goes….

        Don’t think so much in terms of whether or not your abuse was as severe or lasted as long as others. The thing that I see when I look at those who have been abused is not what or how long they suffered. Know what it is?

        We were all violated, harmed, hurt, and we suffered. Of all places, in our homes, the ONE place on this horrifically dangerous planet where we should always feel safe and secure. And by of all people, someone who should have been the ONE PERSON to protect, cherish, and love us.. not devastate us. Abuse, no matter what type it is, no matter how much it was, or how long it lasted, is a violation of our most very basic needs: to be loved, to be safe, to trust.

        There are obvious exceptions… But really, in general, we were all just caused great hurt by someone we thought we could trust, and we all find ourselves merging on this path trying to heal. And this to me is what matters.

  2. Research?! Did someone say research? Oh, I absolutely adore researching things. I wish it wasn’t this… but I guess this is why I am so good at digging things up.

    I have to warn you, once you get into it, you will become more and more focused on it. Just a tad… Some of the things you learn about abusers and victims, too, is mind boggling.

    1. Yes, I should not trivialise the abuse I or anyone suffered. It’s a bad habit that I’ve created over the years after explaining and justifying the abuse to all the disbelievers I’ve come across. I do understand that abuse takes on many forms and it doesn’t need to be justified. We all trusted these people wholeheartedly and they betrayed us in the most unkind and sickening ways. Lots of love. xx

      1. I figured as much, which is why I said something. Their behavior tends to wear on you, and even though you logically know it’s wrong, some things we still pick up. So my purpose is to remind all of you wonderful people the real deal… because it helps to remind me as well. 🙂

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