Drawing a line……for now.

I’ve taken a bit of time out from my last post. Time being the operative word as there never seems to be much of it. My husband and I received many responses from friends and well-wishers, all concerned about the state of our marriage and future.

There is not much I can do to reassure them.

I’ve weighed up the pros and cons to my marriage, to my husband. There are several on each side.

PROS: 

  • Wants to change
  • Great father
  • Supportive of my dreams/goals
  • Not nasty by nature
  • Genuinely cares
  • Sensitive
  • ‘Gets’ me

CONS: (when he is at his worst)

  • Moody
  • Distant
  • Bad listener
  • Says hurtful things
  • Acts before thinking
  • Negative

When I look at each list I see great things and pretty awful things. I’m torn. On one hand I desperately miss my best friend and on the other, I long to be on my own, away from the endless stress.

The two of us have talked. We do see a future together but understand that it will be a very long road to travel before we feel truly happy. As arduous and trying as that may be, I have to draw a line in the sand if I have any hope that my marriage could work.

I grew up in a broken home. My mother and father’s idea of marriage was abusive and destructive. It led them to be terrible role models for me and my sister. I did not look up to either of them. I do not want this for my daughter. I want both of us to be fantastic role models for her, showing her what it takes to be a good parent, wife, husband and friend. We will make mistakes – no one is faultless but that too is a lesson she should learn. Except here, mistakes will be made in a loving environment not in a harmful, loveless one. I just cannot do that to her.

So this is it.

A line is drawn.

Let’s see where we go from here.

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Pregnancy pressures.

David and I have been married now for 18 months. We made a conscious decision that we would try to enjoy a bit of our life together before bringing in a new life to share ours with. These last 18 months however have not been the most enjoyable and life has thrown almost every stress our way. We are under pressure and exhausted. Career, home and family have all played their part in this. The thought of a baby joining this stress is unheard of to me. 

My husband is broody. People all around us seem to be falling pregnant. His family and friends are having the kind of experiences he longs for. The only problem is that he has a wife who wants to wait. I’m not saying forever. I just want to feel right. Not in circumstance, but in myself. I’m sure I’ll know when that will be. 

I’ve always wanted children. I love them, hell, I even work with them! However, surprisingly, in the last few years I have even questioned whether or not I could see myself as a mother. 

It’s only been 14 months since I’ve been free. I feel like I should focus on myself. Of course I get the habitual comment, “you don’t want to leave it too late!” or “it’ll be your turn next!”. Nightmare. Give me a chance! It’s quite a private subject to interrogate someone on yet people target you if you’re married and ‘childless’ with free will.

I suppose it is expected.

I just hate the pressure, it only adds to the stress and I doubt having that will help conceiving!  

Boiling point.

Tensions are running high at the moment. My relationship with my husband is strained mostly due to a succession of what seems like bad luck. We have been told that our landlord wants to sell our flat. We signed the new contract in June with the hope that we would have another year before a possibility of buying. However, that will not be an option now. 

Out last resort is to move back to my mothers’ which is not ideal at all. I asked her earlier in the week if this would be okay. I was worried to put this pressure on her again (we had lived with her 3 years ago in-between moves) but I needn’t have been anxious as reassured me that her home would always be welcome to us.

The idea of moving is not what we need right now. We are both stressed out at work as the end of the school year is extremely busy for me not to mention my husband’s own large workload. 

I know what we need. We need a holiday. But where will the money come from? Living is London is extortionate. Food costs, bills, travel – god, travel is so expensive! 

The idea of moving out occasionally pops into my head. But I quickly lose the thought. I couldn’t leave London. It makes me happy. It’s my home.

I just hope we regain some order and direction in our lives before we completely explode.

Happy Birthday David!

Happy birthday to my husband who has finally caught up with me now!

What a beautiful day in London it is and I’m lucky to spend it with him 🙂

Fingers crossed the dinner I’m cooking for him tonight is a success haha and I don’t give him food poisoning. The exact scenario that happened to me straight after my birthday 3 months ago.

Here’s to many more birthdays to share together my love xx