This month, my husband and I celebrated two years of marriage. I do not know where the time has gone! Also this month I concluded my letter series with a piece written to my sister. There have been no improvements on that front unfortunately. She still excludes me from her life even though several attempts have been made to build bridges. I remain confused to why our relationship ever stopped and from recent events, I doubt things will ever be truly resolved or that I am wanted back in her life. It’s all very sad.
I had my five month scan in June. It was an important one to see if the baby had any abnormalities. It also tested for Down’s Syndrome. We were very glad to find out that we were not at risk. Baby was healthy and growing well. My pregnancy had been going well and apart from a pretty bad case of morning sickness in the first trimester, I was really starting to enjoy it.
As the pregnancy continued and the symptoms became more prominent, my activity on WordPress began to dwindle. As a frequent writer this was unusual for me but the ever-growing tiredness was consuming my waking hours. Pregnant in the summer months was not very enjoyable and working all day did not help matters either. The end of July marked the beginning of a much needed six week holiday where I could finally take a well-deserved break and properly prepare for baby’s arrival. Unbeknownst to me, my organisational skills would save me in the end and my good preparation for baby would cause much less panic than expected two months later………
In August I made a decision to leave the blog as soon as my baby came. It was a difficult decision to make but originally the whole point of the blog was to gain closure from the emotional abuse I endured for fifteen years from my father. It was to gain closure from his death and to release the anger I felt for him in a safe and controlled way. I achieved that last year so began to question my reasons for staying on here. However, with the turmoil I’ve had over the last few months mixed with the elation of creating my beautiful little girl, I’ve realised something. I NEED this site. I need to vent somewhere, to celebrate somewhere, to release somewhere, to be myself somewhere. That somewhere is here at freefromhim and I will not be going anywhere.
This is part of me now.
I can’t deny that living back home with my mother is difficult. David and I have been here for ten months now. We were not anticipating being here for so long and unfortunately now it is becoming a struggle.
I find it hard enough to live solely with my husband let alone another person. My mother has her own amazing qualities as well as some awkward and irritating faults. Most of which she will quite happily defend or deny. I am feeling pretty frustrated at the moment and I know my husband shares these feelings too.
Not that the time here hasn’t been pleasant but at thirty two, I have grown as has David and we are in desperate need of our space. Yes, we have the option of renting again but it totally defeats our original purpose of coming here in the first place. As we wait patiently through this agonizing time for my father’s inheritance (it will soon be the 2 year mark) I can’t help but wish for it to come sooner. Not only would it be beneficial to find a property before the little one comes, we need to be able to breathe. Sadly, both my parents share similarities. I was and am unable to laugh with them on my terms. My humour differs to theirs. My Dad liked silliness or humour at other’s expense. My mother likes old fashioned humour rarely understanding modern comedy. I and David are quite dry in our humour; quintessentially British we like to think. There are therefore occasions where our humour is lost on her.
She takes offence very easily even when nothing is set to offend her. A passive attitude and defeatist demeanour aids this. Although she once told me she was an assertive person, there is nothing to support this. Once maybe, a long time ago but it has been many, many years since I have witnessed assertive behaviour from her.
One thing she always confuses is passion with anger.
I do believe you can feel passionately about something and when this happens you may explain it in a forceful way. A moment ago this happened as I showed my mother a recipe. In her usual manner, she found fault in it before anything else (Dave and I are struggling with her constant fault finding in life at the moment) and when I justified the Michelin starred restaurant’s recipe, my mother snapped and in her native language shouted,
“Don’t get angry!”
A phrase she utters every time you dare to disagree with her. Sadly, this is happening more often than not. I vent here on WordPress because it is safe. I cannot approach her with this as she walked away from our spat fuming. I refuse to argue or shout whilst carrying this little one. It is not fair on the baby nor is it fair on me.
I could never speak freely with Him and unfortunately I can’t with her either. Life is on her terms.
I am too old for this!
Well. Here is the main reason why I paused my series of letters. I’m guessing the ultrasound says it all! Yes WordPress family, I am having a baby. Today was my first scan and we got to meet our little one for the first time. I wanted to break the news over WordPress so you lucky people get to meet this little chicken first! Obviously not before the hubby and grandma of course 🙂
We are completely thrilled and I promise to keep you all updated over the following months.