2. If I could do it all again.

The title of a poem I discovered.

A poem that was dated, 28/08/00. I was eighteen years of age. Proof that the unhappiness inside of me was growing and that my despair was beginning to get a release. It may not be the most complicated of poems but the innocence is clear.

If I could do it all again

I’d be someone else

get a chance

forget the past and live properly

with excitement round every corner,

opportunities through every window.

I’d remain a mystery.

Be happy.

Be loved.

Wish every day and never stop dreaming,

always dream.

Be wild.

I’d go crazy with no cares

Put myself first yet still think of others

Sing. Dance. Be happy.

Every day would be a new day, a fresh start.

An opening to a new world.

Life would be worth it,

worth the struggles, the hassles,

worth the pain.

Happiness would shine through

Happiness would win.

All it does is confirm how positive I kept myself through the misery. I had no one to turn to at 18. My mother and sister still had their bond and still looked down at me. My father was in the depths of his abuse, becoming more intolerant of me and growing with hatred towards his daughter. Yet this poem talks of happiness and hope.

Where did I lose the positivity? When did I lose the love for myself?

My father destroyed all the good feelings I had. And I hate him for that.