143 Days to go!

I’m currently approaching week 20 of my pregnancy (the half way mark!!) and am starting to feel slightly more human than before. Thankfully, the constant appearance of nausea is fading. I find that on the weekends, especially when I get the chance to sleep in, the nausea is completely at bay. Waking for work at 6 am is a different story and the sensation of brushing my teeth cannot keep the feeling of sickness away. Quite often do I have to plan my morning schedule so that there is time left over for me to lie down for five minutes to shoo away the nausea; it seems to work. Only then can I get on with getting ready.

There are 143 days to go until my due date. Seems like a lot but really it’s a little over 4 months. I am not quite sure where the last 5 months have gone.  It’s quite exciting if not slightly nerve wracking too!

There has been a bit of a baby avalanche recently. These things always seem to happen in groups and patterns. I think it’s nice when people you know are having babies around the same time. That’s something very special you’ll always share.

I have not begun to purchase anything for baby yet. I think by the time I hit the six month mark, we should have found out about the inheritance money with the hope it’ll be arriving soon. It’ll obviously be an enormous help to us with baby on the way and ideally a chance for us to begin looking for some much needed space of our own.

Undoubtedly, I will miss my mother. As much as we disagree or dispute, I cannot deny how caring she has been this year. It feels unusual to have it – love. So open and clear, so truthful and genuine. I am not used to that. Her love is unconditional and that has been an awakening.

She is looking forward to becoming a grandma again. This baby marks her third time. Sadly, she does not see my sister’s children. One day, I hope that can be resolved. She does not deserve such punishment. Her heart breaks every moment they pop into her head. Love is not political. Nor is it competitive or conditioned.

I know she will have an abundance of love for our little one.

Next Tuesday will be our 20 week anomaly scan. I am a little nervous and apprehensive, touch wood that all is well. We will now be able to see a much clearer view of baby as our 12 week scan seemed more like a blob to me! Although everybody else is able to point out features! I just want EXACT and DEFINITE knowledge that what I think I’m seeing is genuinely what I am actually seeing!

My Asthma has been playing up a little. Doctors say that around this time it is likely to feel a little short of breath. However with Asthma, it seems harder to decipher which is which, pregnancy or Asthma.

We recently signed up for some NCT (National Childbirth Trust) classes for October. They are costly and at are held at awkward times in the evening but after many recommendations from friends and colleagues, it seemed like a sensible thing to do. The NHS offers a day version for free but these classes are tailored to offer one to one advice about baby and birth within a close and personal environment. One where you are able to meet prospective mothers in the same position as you. Not only do you feel more prepared for motherhood and baby but you get the chance to make some new friends. Something I always welcome.

My sister still hasn’t responded or congratulated me on my pregnancy news. Perhaps she is angry at my last message to her. The thing is, how long can I beat around the bush and side step ever confronting her on her behavior? I chose to do it without patronizing her and without aggression but openly and truthfully. To be honest with you, after recent events, perhaps honesty is NOT the best policy(!)

Have a good weekend guys 🙂

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Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

I have to be honest, I lack knowledge in this subject and would never have classed myself as suffering from it. Well, not until recently. Within the last two years, due a significant weight gain (related to stress), I have been feeling extremely low about the way I look, anxious even. Walking past a mirror or reflective surface only panics me. It instantly disgusts me.

I am regularly told “it’s all in your head” or scolded for being self-absorbed. Others compliment me, attempting to reassure my fault-finding. I’ve had people drop casual comments that I should start dieting then I might feel better. In actuality that makes me feel a thousand times worse when all I do is diet then binge and diet then binge. Any sign of stress sends me into this destructive path.

I have read other bloggers talk about BDD but would never admit that I too suffer from many of the symptoms. I am scared that friends, family and acquaintances will judge me; that they will think I am attention seeking or fishing for compliments. It’s not that I need to hear I’m beautiful, I just cannot stand the way I look. When I see myself in the mirror I feel sick. I see a stranger staring back at me.

In the explanation for BDD on the NHS website, they say that sufferers regularly find fault in their bodies especially the facial area. I hate my face. I hate it. I think it’s vile. I hate my unsymmetrical face. I hate my twisted nose, my teeth, my double chin. I feel disgusting every day. That’s not to say that I love everything else about myself – I don’t.

I love fashion. I try to make it work but the confident days are ruined when I accidentally see my reflection in a shop window. What seemed like a good choice in the morning becomes a bad decision; one that I berate myself for making for the rest of the day. A decision that leaves me feeling self conscious and extremely aware of how awful I look.

I do not dare say this out loud and am currently too frightened to seek professional help. I feel as though I may be laughed at. After all, people see me as I want them to see me: confident and self-assured.

Unfortunately, that’s not the case.