Are you one of those people who puts things off? Or someone who finds excuses for not doing important or even simple things?
I am a delayer and I only delay when fear or self-doubt is involved. I’m sure confident people procrastinate too but perhaps with things of lesser significance. I used to be decisive and be able to stick to the choices I made. Nowadays, discussions follow decisions as there is never any certainty. I no longer stand by my choices with strength and belief. Instead, if someone questions me, I fall into a pattern of defending myself and the choices I’ve made.
When you think you make all the wrong choices why do things when they need doing?
I have to admit, my whole family are like this. Neither parent would go to the doctor when needed until their pain or problem would be too much to bear. My father would wait until the petrol was almost empty before refilling it. My hubby will allow the ironing to mount up to a sky-high pile and still won’t attack it even as the clothes spill over.
I guess the last point is sheer laziness but sometimes that huge pile in the corner of the room seems too overwhelming to tackle so it’s left to continue out of fear of dealing with it.
When life gets too much, too hard, too stressful, we all put things off – the washing, cleaning, decorating…….
Most of all, forgetting the household chores we should be doing, we tend to put off the most significant thing of all:
TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES
Get a facial, a hair cut, have a sit down – a rest – put your feet up for five minutes. These are the daily procrastinations we all make. We put off giving ourselves the time to breathe, the time to rest, the time to stop and realise that life is short and we must enjoy those small moments when we can.
Take that shower, read that book and leave the washing up till tomorrow 🙂
Possibly. Maybe? Perhaps not as much as I would like to be but – I’ll get there!
I have learnt a lot about assertive behaviour over the past few weeks. I see it appearing within myself and then fading into oblivion when I feel like I’ve taken on too much. I want to change and become more assertive but it seems like a daunting task. Over the past week, on the few occasions I’ve put it into practice, it hasn’t totally gone to plan.
In one situation, with a family member, it went completely awry and blew up in my face. One thing our tutor mentioned, was that the people we know may respond negatively to the fact that we are changing. They may not like the new assertive and confident person we are turning into. They are far too use to us being passive, obedient and subservient. It is too much for them to undertake or comprehend and their frustration is bound to come out. Which it did in my case. A rather loud and heated argument followed with me letting rip. Sick of pushing my anger and emotions to one side, I let a little leave me and I did not apologise nor feel guilty after. Within reason we all have the right to feel anger – appropriately of course. I think I will choose my words more carefully next time. However, I do not plan to stop being assertive.
This is a new me.
A confident, open and clear me. One who can ask for what she wants, accepts criticism, feel anger without being judged, feel she has human rights and can say ‘No’ without fear of letting someone down.
She isn’t here yet and I’ve never seen her in me before but I hope, I really hope that I can find her.
I would not class myself as manipulative since finding out what this kind of behaviour is. I would however, class some people I know as owning this behaviour. After discovering its meaning, I have been looking out for it this last week and have been surprised to see it in the people around me. Often, you do not know when you are doing it. I cannot admit that I am never manipulative.
Examples of manipulative behaviour are:
- Guilt tripping – If you really cared about me then you would….
- Using ailments as an excuse to do something – my back has been hurting all week/I just feel too tired to….
- Use of emotional bribery – I’d be forever grateful if you could…..
Of course, in certain circumstances, it would be wrong not to have sympathy for these reasons but it is all dependant on how often they use this as an excuse. You may begin to identify that there are specific people in your life that manipulate you constantly.
Mu husband probably sees this behaviour from me. For example whilst walking past some shoes I may like, the occasional “If you want to make me happy…….” might trickle out of my mouth but usually in jest. Sarcasm can be manipulative too. What do they say, “50% of sarcasm is truth”? We trick people into believing it’s a joke, but of course there must be some truth behind it. We wouldn’t say it otherwise.
Children are the key grouping that fall into manipulative behaviour using their position as someone you love and care about to get what they want. Just because they are children doesn’t give them free reign to behave inappropriately. This is when clear boundaries should be set so they understand what is appropriate and effective behaviour.
Adults can be manipulative too.
My father was and I believe my mother has been too. The latter may not be realising when she is.
My father regularly used manipulation to get what he wanted. He played on everything possible: his age, his ethnicity, his culture, his position in society, his job, his illnesses, my lack of empathy. All these things manifested into me feeling extreme resentment towards him.
Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.
We were close once.
The age difference was not an issue for a short while. We had a relationship; we just don’t any more.
The two of us have never looked alike. People often mentioned how different we were not just physically; our personality could not be further apart.
She was an intellectual, quiet and gentle in nature. My mother oddly looked up to her when surely she should have really been her role model. She could talk to adults from a young age showing high levels of maturity as a child. Her school years were easy and she flew through exams, achieving high grades and scholarships everywhere she went. People liked her, adults admired her. I admired her. As an adult she grew in confidence and power. She and my mother formed a tight unit – unbreakable and robust, I could not get through it. I wanted to be included and be a part of her life. Her personality began to alter the older she got. She is a total stranger now. This is not what I ever wanted for us.
As for me, I want her in my life.
Of course I do.
Although I do not want criticisms or attacks. I do not want my character tarnished any more. I cannot cope with it. I endured it for years from all of them. We could have a relationship and find the love we once had for each other all those years ago. The two of us could unite once again and become a true family. She doesn’t have to do it alone.
Come back to me.
There are several things my parents never taught me growing up, in fact I’m not sure where I actually learnt them from. It may have been my sister but I cannot be sure as from the age of four and five, my sister and I began to drift apart. As soon as she hit her teenage years, I lost her and my parents did nothing to stop that from happening.
Over the next few posts I will write about the key things I seem to have taught myself, some basic. But other self-taught life lessons have resulted in many years of mistakes. Do I blame my parents for this? Sometimes.
I know a number of people who will find that “typical” of me but I feel as a parent, you must guide and advise your children in their life. Of course I never expected them to lead my life or have such control over it like my father did. However, a little guidance is not to much to ask, is it?
At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.
Jane D. Hull