Tagged – 11 answers to 11 questions.

Thank you to Krista over at From Food Stamps To A Future for nominating me to answer these questions. Please make sure you check out her blog. Although Krista once suffered at the hands of an abusive husband, she has turned her life around and become an inspiration to us all. Living life with a positive outlook can be difficult when you’ve lived with endless hardship, but not for Krista, she oozes positivity and it’s been a pleasure stopping by her insightful, happy blog.

Number one:

What the most embarrassing thing in your night stand (bedside table for all you Brits)?

I’m sorry Krista but in England we usually have bedside tables that are literally just TABLES. I have one of those therefore nothing embarrassing in it or on it for that matter. Just a fan for the hot weather and a clock. BORING!

Number two:

What is your favourite thing to do on a stormy day?

SLEEP! However with a baby under one that is pretty impossible at the best of times. Before the little one, I’d usually snuggle up on the sofa and watch a good film.

Number three: 

Do you sing in the shower?

No! It might wake the baby!! Haha, not often. I’m more of bath girl myself and baths are for soaking not singing 🙂

Number four:

What’s your favourite book?

The Adventures of Spot? Pop up Peekaboo? Where’s my Monkey? Currently, those are the books I am reading daily. With my daughter. Did I say daily? 🙂 Never really been a big reader of novels but I tend to do most of my reading on-line in blogs, news etc.

Number five:

How many career titles did you have chosen as a child? Did you follow through with any of them?

As a child I loved other children, older and younger. My mother was a teacher and even taught me so I was often surrounded with children. I knew I wanted to work with them which made my mother very happy. Yet it wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I actually pursued it having started off by carving a career in Drama. That was never the right path either as I always wanted to work behind the camera as a teen but my family weren’t overly supportive of my job choices. Instead, it was hoped that I’d follow in my sister’s choice of science. That would never have been the case. I was a creative soul just lost in the unpleasantness.

Number six:

What is the meaning of life from your perspective?

I have no spiritual beliefs so find it hard to answer a question like this. All I can say is that life is a gift and a special one at that. It’s the greatest gift you can give someone. The right to breathe, exist. The right to grow and evolve. It is a magical thing not to be taken for granted.

Number seven: 

Do you prefer fruits, vegetables, or meat?

I am a meat eater and could NEVER be a vegetarian. That’s not to say I don’t like veg. Coming from an Indian background, vegetables are a massive part of our diet so I’ve grown up eating all different kinds. I especially love salads.

Number eight:

Do you write your post on the PC or paper?

I write straight onto the computer. I used to find it hard to get a flow on the screen but now it comes naturally. Practice makes perfect and all that!

Number nine:

Where is your favourite place to shop and why?

I mainly shop in Oxford Circus, Central London especially for shoes and coats (TOPSHOP LADIES – GO. SERIOUSLY!!!). I love Central London as it’s so easy to get around. Once you’re there, everywhere’s accessible by foot. Great shops, great restaurants, great everything.

Number ten:

What is the most exhilarating thing you have ever done?

Calling my abusing father a “Bastard” to his face and not regretting it the moment it passed from my lips. Oh, and revealing everything he did to me finally after keeping it hidden for over twenty years.

Number 11:

Do you have a bucket list?

I used to live like this, you know the twenty things to do before you die or fifteen places in the world you’d like to visit kinda thing? Now things are more simple than that. I just want my marriage to work, my family to grow and to one day feel good about myself. Maybe that’s my bucket list and I will have to let you know whether I fulfil these three wishes in the future.

Nominating,

Here are your questions.

  1. Where is home and are you happy there?
  2. Are you where you thought you’d be in your life right now?
  3. What would you say to your younger self?
  4. Does true love exist? If so, how have you experienced it?
  5. If someone could cook you any meal perfectly, what would you request?
  6. What makes a good friend?
  7. Do you have nightmares, what haunts you?
  8. Where is the one place you would tell someone who’s never travelled to go on holiday?
  9. Do you have a high pain threshold?
  10. Do your dreams feel real, what do they consist of?
  11. Are you a positive person?

I hope these aren’t too time consuming or difficult! Thanks again Krista, it was a fun thing to do on a Sunday afternoon (while baby napped!).

*Image Google*

Where Did it All Go Wrong? Dear Sister, Part 1.

Dear Sister,

Where did it all go wrong? I cannot remember most of my early childhood nor can I find any early memories of the two of us. Photographs show a forgotten love. I cannot say that we were ever close. I cannot even say that I have ever felt a natural bond with you. How sad, for both of us. Perhaps our parents were to blame. Any time I wanted to talk to you, communicate with you, I was stopped. They intervened.

“Don’t upset your sister,” they would say.

What could a seven year old have ever said to upset you? I was a child who did not understand depression. No one sat me down and explained it. I was just left to second guess every action and every word I spoke. That is cruel. In the past, when I mentioned it to the two of them, both have become defensive. Both have denied any wrong doing and I berate them for that. As a parent to be and a parent yourself. surely one is able to admit that they are not perfect. There are and will be times we will fail. It is what makes us human.

My only childhood memory of you that stands out is a sweet moment of sibling protection.

I have made it clear in this blog that there was a time where my mother was not the person she is now. Looking back, she was a very frightening woman. In a flash of rage and disappointment (for reasons I cannot remember) our mother launched at me one day. It was not the first time she had been violent. Smacking happens all around the world and I understand that in certain circumstances it may be necessary but I cannot advocate slapping a five year old child on any part of their body. At that age, a time out should be used or at very least your words. I remember running from her and finding you on the sofa. I jumped on you in tears, scared to the bone, calling your name. She was storming towards us as I huddled and cuddled myself into you. She was on one mission only, for me to learn my lesson. Her flat palm took a large swing and her aim for my bare thigh was on target. With force she let go. I screamed anticipating the pain but before I knew it, you had shielded the beast with a cushion. There was no pain. My tears were staining your shirt, I closed my eyes knowing that she would not be happy. She yelled at you but you just yelled back. She wouldn’t fight you. She never has. You won. I won. You saved me.

I never felt that love again.

What went wrong? At what point did you stop loving me? I never stopped. I looked up to my older sister but I was an embarrassment to you. You only sought my mother’s approval and when you achieved it, I was of little point. As a teenager you distanced yourself. Academics and grades were more important and the small glimpses of fun you did enjoy were not shared with me. Yes, as an older sister, I do understand that having a nagging eight year old wanting your constant attention would be off-putting but I wasn’t a stranger off the street, I was your only sister!

I was no doubt confused the time you requested I stay with you for a weekend at University. To me, it made no sense but my happiness that my sister finally wanted to spend time with me was too much to question your reasons. I cannot remember that weekend. For a while, I thought I had imagined it. Only recently did my mother confirm it really took place.

After that, well nothing.

I felt completely apart from you. The only information I got was from my mother and she was not forthcoming with positive news. I was only to hear negative. It only created a further barrier between us.

How could the two of you ever ask or expect me to live with you instead of my father? You were not the better choice. Neither of you made me feel a part of YOUR family. I wasn’t. I was an outsider in the private, secretive world you had created. You were both so confusing, frightening. Your emotions and anger were raw and your hate for my father was so magnified. I couldn’t live with that. I loved him.

I loved you too. Both of you.

But love was used as a bargaining tool, how many times was I subjected to,

“Well, if you really loved us then……..”

Is that fair? As a parent and a sister tell me, is it?

Is this the point it went wrong for us?

If it is and you cannot forgive me then why on earth did you forgive him?! I have seen and heard of what he did to you. Yet, in his final years, you put that behind you. You forgave him for his torturous behaviour and allowed him into your life.

Explain yourself!*

 

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.

*Part 2 to follow.

The Void.

It’s not that I wish my father was still alive, it’s not like I long for his love or wish a real relationship with him. There just feels as though there is a void in my life. I know what it is. He left me without any answers, any conclusions. I have not been given closure. Yes, he is gone and that offers me a little cessation but I wanted to get what I deserved and have a chance to find out the whys, what and hows.

Why did you do it?

What did I ever do to you?

How can you justify treating me that way?

I never got any answers to any of my questions. I have asked over the years but how an earth do you put it to an abuser? How do you get what you want? He would never have given me what I want especially when he gained so much satisfaction from taunting me. He enjoyed the fact that it was another thing he could play with, it was another chance to toy with my emotions. 

The void remains. It will always be there. I just hope the emptiness will one day be filled.