January hits and every woman, man and being on the planet starts thinking about their diet and lifestyle. Do I eat too much? Drink too much? Smoke, laze, complain too much?
Yet what do you really want to change? Your waistline. Over the years I have struggled massively with my weight. Only for a short period between 2007 and 2010 did I truly feel happy with my body shape and those were the years I watched what I ate and exercised. After that, along with mountains of stress and binge-eating, I piled on not only the weight I had originally lost but a few stone more……..
How does it make you feel?
Ugly. Stupid. Naive. Embarrassed.
“You can’t tell you’re overweight!”
“You’re not that big!”
But I am overweight and I am big. Certainly bigger than I should be for my height. My BMI is high and god only knows what percentage of my body is fat. Yet, when I look in the mirror I understand that I hide it well. I have toned arms and calves (bending down and picking up a heavy toddler will do that for you) and my face is quite slim but my stomach, bottom and thighs let me down massively.
I don’t look at myself naked. I don’t acknowledge my body. It’s just there.
Body confident is not in my vocabulary.
Right now I am heavier than I was before I dieted the first time round and just under how much I weighed on my wedding day.
Urgh. My wedding day. I don’t look at those photos. When most women tone up or shed a few pounds, I managed to pile on over a stone. My father decided that would be the year he’d make my life that little bit worse and I just lost all forms of confidence and willpower. Binge-eating ensued and the rest is history.
I have lost just over two and a half stone since my baby was born which I think is quite an achievement even if it has taken me 15 months to do so. It’s been a slow road but better like this as it’s been gradual and healthy and not a sudden, desperate rush for a quick result.
I’ve done that before, a couple of months after I got married and even though it was with a steady plan from WeightWatchers, as soon as I’d reached a decent weight I grew tired of the mundane meals I was eating and gone back to my start weight very shortly after stopping.
Waste of money eh?
Needless to say this – feeling good one minute feeling rubbish the next – affected my confidence hugely. From around mid 2013 my weight began to creep up again. This time, each pound became a lot harder to lose. My job was quite hectic but instead of using the fact that I was on my feet a lot and busy as a positive, it was another reason to comfort eat when I had the chance. All with the unbelievable excuse that I needed to, for energy or something. The things we convince ourselves of when we want to……
Within a year I had managed to put on just over a stone again. My weight was at the highest it had ever been and I was not only disgusted with myself but quite worried too. I am not the tallest of girls, nestling in at just under 5 ft 4. I was concerned for my health. Not only that, but my husband and I had come to the decision to start a family. I never thought that when that happened I would be the heaviest I had ever been my whole life.
Now, I am not talking of obese. I am not critically overweight but my size has affected me mentally terribly over the years. I am angry with myself for being so lazy, so uncaring of my body. I feel incredibly ashamed.
I suffer with Body Dysmorphic Disorder and have done roughly since the age of sixteen. Being overweight does not help this disorder at all. You feel a huge amount of responsibility and hold a large amount of shame on your shoulders constantly. Knowing that I’ve had opportunities to get fit or eat well and I’ve brushed them away without a glance infuriates me.
I had to do something and soon.
After my baby was born I lost the weight I had gained during my pregnancy over a slow eight months. A stone and a half to be precise. The next stone was a lot harder to lose but I did it! A combination of lots of walking (with baby!), eating earlier and less in the evening, making sure I had three proper meals a day with much less snacking – all aided to my weight loss.
This year I am hoping to up it and lose another two stone. The last time I lost that amount of weight I did it in four months and kept it off for three years. This time my intention is to utilise the whole year and gradually and healthily get rid of all that fat my body just doesn’t need with the intention of never putting it on again.
This is no before and after.
I won’t be posting a photo to show how fat I am! Nor will I how off in a bikini after (or if) the weight comes off – DEFINITELY NOT!!!!
I might just be a little bit proud of myself though and why not.
Good luck to anyone on their own weight journey this year.
Courtesy of Google images