I’ve taken a bit of time out from my last post. Time being the operative word as there never seems to be much of it. My husband and I received many responses from friends and well-wishers, all concerned about the state of our marriage and future.
There is not much I can do to reassure them.
I’ve weighed up the pros and cons to my marriage, to my husband. There are several on each side.
- Wants to change
- Great father
- Supportive of my dreams/goals
- Not nasty by nature
- Genuinely cares
- ‘Gets’ me
CONS: (when he is at his worst)
- Bad listener
- Says hurtful things
- Acts before thinking
When I look at each list I see great things and pretty awful things. I’m torn. On one hand I desperately miss my best friend and on the other, I long to be on my own, away from the endless stress.
The two of us have talked. We do see a future together but understand that it will be a very long road to travel before we feel truly happy. As arduous and trying as that may be, I have to draw a line in the sand if I have any hope that my marriage could work.
I grew up in a broken home. My mother and father’s idea of marriage was abusive and destructive. It led them to be terrible role models for me and my sister. I did not look up to either of them. I do not want this for my daughter. I want both of us to be fantastic role models for her, showing her what it takes to be a good parent, wife, husband and friend. We will make mistakes – no one is faultless but that too is a lesson she should learn. Except here, mistakes will be made in a loving environment not in a harmful, loveless one. I just cannot do that to her.
So this is it.
A line is drawn.
Let’s see where we go from here.