Am I your clown?

Humiliation was the greatest source of enjoyment my father gained from me. He often put me in unbearable situations, revelling in my discomfort. “Am I your Clown?” was a key example of this humiliation. Emeli Sande’s beautiful lyrics add to the sadness of the story.

freefromhim

For some reason, my father found great amusement in me. I was often made the butt of his jokes. He got a kick out of humiliating me in front of others, be it friends, family or even total strangers. Anything to make him look like a big man.

“Oh, that’s so typical of Roshni!” he would say.

He would expect me to appreciate the joke too. I was to laugh at my humiliation. If I didn’t, I lacked a sense of humour.

On one occasion, at the bank, my father decided to humiliate me to the point of tears.

At a meeting with a bank manager to set up an ISA account, my father crossed several lines. I wanted to attend the meeting alone but he insisted on being there. It was only a first meeting, an enquiry if you like. I was not going there out of choice, but…

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