‘The Day I Feared for my Life’ relived an incident that took place well into his career of abuse. I often feared for my safety with him. The car was the riskiest place to be with him when angry and believe me, that was a regular occurrence. On this particular occasion, my father was holding a grudge against me and was reluctant to let his annoyances go. So much so, he felt the best place to release his upset with me was during a journey on a busy motorway. My safety was never his priority and if anything were to ever happen, it was usually my fault, baring in mind, I wasn’t driving. In some way, I would have agitated my father, thus causing him to break suddenly or just avoid an accident. It was my responsibility to keep him calm. I was never successful.
My father was never physically violent to me. Sadly, I often wished one day he would lose his temper just enough to hit me, just so I would have that proof to save me. He never did. In heated arguments I would scream at him to hurt me, but the reply would be,
“You’d love that wouldn’t you? I’ll never hit you”.
Yet there has still been times I have feared for my life.
These times have always taken place in the car.
I hated travelling anywhere with him. If I refused, he would scream abuse and me followed by ignoring me for days. It was not worth disobeying him. Once inside the car, I immediately felt unsafe. I detested fastening my seatbelt and ultimately locking myself into this space with him. The radio would be my only sanctuary and turning it up as high as he would allow me…
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