It took me two years into our relationship for me to truly open up and reveal to you the extent of abuse and problems my father was causing me.
When I met you in 2008, the abuse was at it’s peak. My father was controlling almost every aspect of my life. My failed relationships over the years with men were a constant source of humiliation for me as my father used the fact that I was “unloved” as a target to destroy and wound.
I was in my element when we met. Happier than ever. Almost elated. I hadn’t learned to grasp nor control my emotions with men, almost giving too much away immediately. I just longed affection. You were the easiest boyfriend I ever had. I could talk to you about everything. Well, almost everything. I was not ready to reveal the darkest secret of my life just yet.
In 2009, when I had completely fallen for you, I found myself strangely drifting away from you too. I became anxious, worrying that you were with me for the wrong reasons. My father often told me you must be using me, he said he didn’t understand what of me would interest such a smart man. I know we were different but I never thought you felt that way too. It came as a shock David to say the least, the day you sat me down and told me you thought we weren’t compatible.
It broke my heart.
The words and critiques that fell so freely out of your mouth destroyed me. You knew a little of my father. You had witnessed his behaviour but you turned a blind eye. It didn’t seem to bother you. I was the girl you supposedly loved, yet his anger for me just washed over you. Did you think I deserved it?
You said you did not want to break up. Neither did I but you left me confused. The trust had been broken. I had been deluded, thinking our relationship was fine when really we were crumbling apart. For the next seven months I would walk on eggshells in your company and around my father too. Trying to impress you and please the both of you.
It came to a head early 2010. I ended it. I was angry but I refused to allow a man to treat that way. I actually felt happy. Happy that I cared about myself enough to put a stop to it. You didn’t seem to care which shocked me. I thought you were better than that. Soon I realised I had wounded your male pride and your actions were clearly a result of that.
Apologies followed and you were quick to admit fault.
I was not used to that. A man apologising, not forcing the blame onto me. It was new, refreshing. You asked to see me.
That morning was the start of a new beginning for us. Our hearts truly opened that day and looking back it is the best thing that ever happened to us.
I do not regret the troubles we have had. I just wish I hadn’t run from my truths and faced them earlier with you. I know you would have been there. Both of us were frightened of emotional intimacy for very different reasons.
But we are not afraid now.
I know I can ask and tell you anything now darling.
Love Ros x