The struggles of being back home.

As much I love being back home with my mum, there is no doubt that I have changed over the years and more importantly matured. Since living solely with David, my husband, for the last three years, I have my own ways and habits. Of course, changes have to be made when you live in someone else’s environment but currently, I have to say I am struggling. It’s amazing having her back from India but my mother seems to have taken several steps back from when she initially left.

Arguments have begun and annoyances are raw. It is almost as though we hadn’t lived together for two months before her holiday. David and I cleaned the entire house, top to bottom, over the weekend before she arrived. Yet when she returned she immediately found fault in almost every room. I wish we hadn’t bothered! I know and understand that she has the right to want things her way, it is her house but a little bit of appreciation would have gone a long way especially when she knows the amount of stress I have been under recently.

It is hard to be open with her without fear of her becoming upset or worse: defensive. I cannot stand having to justify every word that leaves my mouth if I ever need to show criticism. Yet when it comes to criticising me, it comes so natural to her. If I do ever answer back then I am being provocative or dramatic and anger her further.

I’m not sure why my family expect me to be so passive?

Perhaps it is easier for them to have a robotic daughter/sister with no emotions or brain.

Don’t get me wrong. I love her very much and I know that this is a bit of a rant. I just need to vent. After all, I cannot tell her how I feel right now, I just don’t want the tension.

2 thoughts on “The struggles of being back home.

  1. I think sometimes parents forget that the days of raising their adult children are over. I have never understood why it is so hard to recognize that we become our own person with our own values, beliefs, goals, dreams, and standards, when surely they must remember facing the same or a similar struggle with their parents.

    I think, though, that cultures who continue to follow deeply engrained ideals from long ago because it is customary have a harder time with this. I have seen this struggle between several of my Japanese friends and their parents at home in Japan. People about our age group I think have the biggest gap, no matter where we are from, because our generation was really the first one that began pushing the envelope, so to speak, and sometimes in such a strong way that a wave becomes a flash flood. It’s hard to make those values meet, so what happens is a tense interaction.

    No one can deny that what you went through as a family because of your father probably also has a role in this. I mean, if growing up, the standard in the household was to be passive and just let it be because it was less dangerous or perilous than speaking up, it’s become engrained and therefore expected behavior.

    I am not using any of these as excuses, I just think maybe it will help you understand a little more where you mom is coming from. Hopefully after a little bit things will calm down. It’s hard to live in that tension, and you are a wonderfully patient woman to do so, even if you do have to come here to vent. It’s important to get it out so you don’t become argumentative.

    But hon, if it continues, you must remember a very important fact, dear. You are now an adult who is also a married woman. You have a responsibility to yourselves to live your lives as such. Maybe in instances where you know she is right, you can verbally acknowledge this with her and thank her and see if it will soften her. But do not be afraid to speak up and let her know how you feel. You shouldn’t be living under so much stress just to pacify a parent. Also take into consideration that maybe she feels the need now that your father is gone to have more of a say?

    So many things could be applicable in your situation, and I think it is impossible for anyone but your family to truly know how the dynamics push and pull on each of you in the household. There is always a period of adjustment, but there is a point where it truly should even out. Let us know how it goes. 🙂

    1. My mother has always been outspoken and not necessarily in a bad way. She was never a timid character. When she was with my father, she was a very angry person (understandably as he was abusing her too). We are similar as we are both quite emotional and sensitive however she will not allow me to have faults or worse accuse her of having any either. This post was literally a “rant”. The last time I spoke up and tried to be a little assertive resulted in an explosion on her part! I have been biting my tongue since! I know, as an adult, I should be able to say what I want without offending but life isn’t always as simple as that. My mother is over seventy. Sometimes it’s kinder to keep my mouth shut. However, it’s obvious that for my own sanity, I need to suck it up and be open on the odd occasion! Hopefully, things will mellow out a bit soon. R x

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