Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

I have to be honest, I lack knowledge in this subject and would never have classed myself as suffering from it. Well, not until recently. Within the last two years, due a significant weight gain (related to stress), I have been feeling extremely low about the way I look, anxious even. Walking past a mirror or reflective surface only panics me. It instantly disgusts me.

I am regularly told “it’s all in your head” or scolded for being self-absorbed. Others compliment me, attempting to reassure my fault-finding. I’ve had people drop casual comments that I should start dieting then I might feel better. In actuality that makes me feel a thousand times worse when all I do is diet then binge and diet then binge. Any sign of stress sends me into this destructive path.

I have read other bloggers talk about BDD but would never admit that I too suffer from many of the symptoms. I am scared that friends, family and acquaintances will judge me; that they will think I am attention seeking or fishing for compliments. It’s not that I need to hear I’m beautiful, I just cannot stand the way I look. When I see myself in the mirror I feel sick. I see a stranger staring back at me.

In the explanation for BDD on the NHS website, they say that sufferers regularly find fault in their bodies especially the facial area. I hate my face. I hate it. I think it’s vile. I hate my unsymmetrical face. I hate my twisted nose, my teeth, my double chin. I feel disgusting every day. That’s not to say that I love everything else about myself – I don’t.

I love fashion. I try to make it work but the confident days are ruined when I accidentally see my reflection in a shop window. What seemed like a good choice in the morning becomes a bad decision; one that I berate myself for making for the rest of the day. A decision that leaves me feeling self conscious and extremely aware of how awful I look.

I do not dare say this out loud and am currently too frightened to seek professional help. I feel as though I may be laughed at. After all, people see me as I want them to see me: confident and self-assured.

Unfortunately, that’s not the case.

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2 thoughts on “Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

  1. I really hope that you can get the help you need. I recently admitted publicly that I have been suffering with BDD. The support has been amazing, and I have started the Beautiful Like You Project to help other girls, women and even men feel more comfortable in their bodies and live happier lifestyles. If you want to look into it, try looking for #BeautifulLikeU on Twitter or find the board by brianadragon on Pinterest. It may help you through this.

    I wish you all the best, and remember, true beauty comes from the inside out. As cliche as it may seem, remembering that has helped me more than I can say.

    1. Thank you for your comment. It has been a long slog just to even write my admission let alone speak about it to anyone. I hope to find the best help for me and grow to feel positive about how I look. I will definitely check out your recommendation. Thanks again 🙂

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