While my Dad was in hospital, I took the opportunity to return to his house to collect a few things from my bedroom without his watchful gaze on me. Whilst sorting through my drawers and rummaging through old photos, I discovered a wad of paper. As I shuffled through it, I realised here was a bunch of memories I had forgotten about.
Not only that, but over the years I had saved moments of his abuse and anger. Cleverly and luckily, memories were being brought back to life and although there was a time where I would want to desperately forget them, avoid them, now was the time to resurrect them. I wanted to stay true to myself, I hated that sympathy was interfering.
My worry for his health and the normal reaction from a daughter, seemed to be taking over the way my father really made me feel. Being back in his house magnified those feelings and witnessing the abusive words he had written to me over the years brought it all back.
There were four main things that I found in my drawers that stood out. All were on paper.
Each are to follow.
I’ve never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don’t understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.