After yesterday’s comment by N’s friend, I was slightly put off to write the last blog on these girls. I hate that someone can be so short-sighted. We are not teenagers any more, life should be looked through with mature eyes. Life experience and knowing that the world can often work in upsetting ways should play a part in how you feel about what I write. Many of these incidents happened in my late teens and twenties. As a thirty-one year old, I expected some understanding by others of my age, friend of N or not. If you truly do have your own opinion, perhaps these words to me would have been different.
These 4 girls were not the only girls, there were others that I clashed with. I always expected to get on with women as I could not rely on men. At school, when my father was my hero, my friendships were better with girls. I went to an all girls’ school and never had a problem making friends with anyone. But at the age of sixteen came the turning point.
The divorce and custody battle threw me into a life of hell. My new discovery of my abusive, dangerous father had unfolded and life did not seem real. I was frightened and confused and in desperate need of intervention. No one came to help.
Friendships were put on a back burner as I tried to make sense of my despairing life. By the time I needed to put some effort into friends, I had forgotten what it was like to have them and how to be with them. I was a wreck.
C & C were an unfortunate pair and I wish I hadn’t been drawn to their exuberant yet deceptive natures. H would always have hated the choices I made whether I had met David or not. We wanted different things from life. I hear she still goes out clubbing and drinking regularly five years on and seeing as I rarely touch alcohol any more, I hardly think our friendship would’ve lasted (!) Our values and personality were just too far apart to form a true connection.
My friendship with N should not have ended the way it did. She owed me that. Surely if she had an ounce of respect for me, not because I was her friend but a human being, she should have spoken to me face to face. I never wish our friendship back. Losing her was my greatest gain.
I have recently fallen into this hole again. Being drawn to fun and exciting characters who appear to be genuine. I try to be careful, assessing people a little bit more and this time I thought I was right. It was a few girls who turned out to be everything I thought they weren’t.
Maybe in five years time, I’ll tell you about them.
It’s funny because out of all those “mistakes”, I managed to find 4 great girls! K, T, M and E are my friends. They are all women. Thank god there are some good ones out there. I might not have many friends but I have ones I can trust. Girls that are loyal and that is all I could ever ask for.