I can’t use names obviously, but their initials will do. I want to tell you about these horrible girls who played a part in demoralising me even further than I already felt. They all knew about my father and that my life was difficult at home yet they all chose to ignore it, criticise me and run from the support I longed for from them. It is not just about exposing my father but revealing the truths against all the evils from my life.
C & C:
Two girls I met at Drama school. One, I classed as one of my best friends. We spent a lot of time together, socialised together even ended up living together. She was vibrant and popular, attractive and fun, I was drawn to her confidence. I saw myself in her, a piece of me I had hidden away for years, in fear that my personality would be attacked again. With her, I was able to release it and be myself for once. It felt good, she brought that out of me. My confidence with men also blossomed due to her help. She was fearless and able to approach anyone. All the other girls loved her. I thought we had so much in common, we both loved acting and we could talk to each other. She listened to what I had to say. But I was so wrong. She turned on me and in our second year I felt our friendship slipping away.
The other “C” was another girl at Drama school, someone I considered a friend and even though we also lived together, I never felt a strong bond with her. She was also close to C.1. They shared jokes and their love of music together. She was very girly. constantly wearing pink and purple, it was quite odd for a twenty year old. She was obsessed with romantic movies and had masses of cuddly toys in her room. I found her very fake over the year I lived with her and slowly she lived up to my judgement. She was adamant that my problems with my father had been created by myself. She came from a loving family, they adored her and funded her every whim. She had it so easy. My family was not like that and yes, there was resentment on my part. I wished for supportive parents but it was never going to happen. She and I were miles apart and it showed. I couldn’t engage in a normal, educated conversation with her and found myself drifting apart from the two of them as they grew closer.
They both began leaving me out of social occasions and although we had once been such a tight-knit group, I was beginning to be pushed out. They weren’t subtle, it literally happened overnight and left me feeling like a twelve year old in the school playground instead of a twenty year old needing a true, decent set of friends. I couldn’t understand where it had gone wrong, there was no explanation, they never said anything. They were cruel with it and I started to spend more time alone. Going back home to my father was constantly on my mind and to worsen it, my friends had proven that I would truly be on my own. It was devastating.
They weren’t my friends, they never were. I fed their egos when they needed it. I was desperate to be loved by anyone and friendship had always been important to me. I was completely used by them and allowed myself to be. They wanted a fabulous life with no trauma, no shame and maybe I was bringing that on them. They are still friends now as far as I know and they both continue to live their self-centred lives I’m sure.
One even has a set of photos on her social networking site dedicated entirely to herself!
What a wonderful woman and so modest!
The other, I have no idea what happened to her. I hear she is married too. I’m happy for her. I hold no anger, I am just saddened that things weren’t dealt with more maturely as both of the girls were older than me at the time.
I have always wondered why I led myself into such destructive relationships…………….
Part 2 to follow tomorrow.