The best of friends, the worst of friends.

I have to be honest.

I do find it difficult to keep friends.

I would say I am a likeable person.

I appear confident, fun, friendly. But I do find it hard to ‘be myself’.

I not even sure what ‘myself’ actually is. I’ve always struggled with identity. I hate labels and being told what kind of person I am. Summing myself up in three words is not an option. The list would be endless with me.

Friends rarely understood me. I came across happy and friendly one minute. Then distant and standoffish another, often not talking to anyone for weeks. Other times I would be needy of their attention, wanting to spend all my time with them, ultimately suffocating them and our friendship.

Do I think I am a good friend?

I listen. I listen to other peoples’ problems. I put mine to one side. Who would want to hear about that? I almost feel embarrassed talking about my problems. As if they have no meaning in the scheme of things. I always try to say and do the ‘right thing’. But what is that?

Friendship shouldn’t be about tip-toeing around people in case you upset them or annoy them. It does not mean they will desert you. However, after going through this process with several so-called friends I decided I needed to be careful of how I portrayed myself and behaved. Honesty was certainly not the best policy.

I have been extremely lucky to be blessed with four, fantastic girl friends who I know will always be there for me no matter what. NO judgement.

These bloody social-networking sites are a nightmare. While most people search for ex-partners, I search for all those friends who abandoned me in some way. A couple of years ago, I sent a ‘friend request’ to a few of them. God, that was demoralising, requesting friendships from the very people that deserted me when I needed them the most.

Of course, they did not reply. A few have left the request hanging as if they never go on that site. However, their number of friends appear to grow every so often with mutual acquaintances. How surprising?

I made a decision today. I went to that site and looked up all the people I had wanted to restart a friendship with. Who were these people? I once classed them as the best friends I could have. But no, they were the worst. They proved their friendship was pointless, useless and a lie years ago and I had no idea why I wanted it back.

So I cancelled the friend requests.

I do not want those sorts of people back in my life.

Good riddance.

Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend.
Plautus

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