After the holiday we returned to England. I flitted between both of my parents but predominantly stayed with my father in the family home. It wasn’t ideal, my mother knows now that she should have used all of her force to take me out of that house as ultimately this was the time where he “worked” on me the most.
I dreaded the time I had to spend with Mum. Not because I didn’t want to see her but I knew of the interrogation I was about to face from her and my sister. Both would gang up taking it in turns to find out his plans. I clammed up, refusing to answer their questions, feeling more and more left out of their partnership. I watched how desperate they were, how nasty they were to me, how they forgot that I was a confused, traumatised and ultimately abused young girl. Clearly my father’s plan was having the desired effect; I hated them.
My parents underwent a long and painful divorce. My father contested it at first but eventually they parted. I was used as his tool, his vengeance against my suffering mother, and I let him.
I made the decision at this moment that would change my future forever and chose to live with my father. For months I did not speak to my mother and sister, they both cut my Dad out of their life, effectively cutting me out too. I know my mother sent my sister’s boyfriend to find me at home one day but I was out. We were coming back from somewhere and noticed him outside the front door. My father, afraid of everything, parked around the corner as we waited for him to leave. I was petrified. I knew what I had done had destroyed their lives, I knew how angry they were at me and I was the cause of their misery. I stayed away, ignored their enraged calls to the house, I blocked it out, partly out of fear but mostly out of shame.
After a few months of continued pampering and lavish gifts it all suddenly stopped. My father had what he wanted; me. The conditioning had also stopped. He had reached the point he wanted. I was deserted by the only people who really cared for me.
Summer was near and I was living in a dream world. But what was coming around the corner was about to shatter everything I thought to be true and real.